The silence.

He was the kind of man the world needs more of! He was a man of few words, although quiet by nature he had a strength and wisdom greater than most.  I don’t think there was anything he couldn’t do! Growing up he took on almost a superhero status as the guy who could fix anything. A broken toy or a broken bike, there was no challenge he seemingly couldn’t fix in my eyes. Accomplishing most of it alone mind you as asking for help was seldom done!  It seemed there wasn’t anything he couldn’t fix, tractors, farm machinery, toys you name it and he could rebuild, refabricate or just plain replace. 

I never heard a boasting word leave his lips. Humble to a fault he was liked by everyone who knew him.  He was well known in our small town and respected by everyone.  I honestly don’t believe there was anyone who would say a bad word about him. He was known mostly for his mild-mannered ways and generosity.  He would help anyone who needed it as long as he was able to. 

He wasn’t one for cussing either! I can't say I ever heard him say a bad word no matter how frustrated he was. Silence was used in many ways and he knew when to “let it be”  better than most.

Although he was well read and very smart I never heard him debate politics, sports or religion, frankly I can't remember him talking about anything that normally separates and pulled us apart as a people.  If a debate raged around him he would just silently sit there and wait till the topic changed. Discussions with him usually started with the weather and ended with questions about how you were doing. 

 I Never heard him complain about any challenges life threw at him and there were many. He had a sense of humor that I never really appreciated until I grew older. Even after an unfortunate accident where he pinned himself under his tractor wheel and had to be rescued,  he joked about it for years as trying to run over himself with his own tractor.  

Looking back, I can see many times when he would use mild-mannered sarcasm to poke fun at me, an effort lost on me most of the time.   For instance, as a teenager one day,  I took my 1972 VW bug out in a snowstorm, not my brightest move but hey this is Maine!  I hit a snow drift and got stuck in the middle of the road. There was no one else on the road that day to help as the weather was bad. Well, I had no one else to call as it was a work day and dad was at the mill, so I called to see if he could help me out. 

Although he was out working in the wagon house at the time,  the cry for help was conveyed and off he came with the truck and a chain to the rescues of this foolish young’un who used bad judgment to be out on such a day. Within minutes he pulled up beside me, rolled down his window and in his best straight face look at me and said.. “stuck huh”? I remember thinking to myself …. WELL YA! that’s what I called for!!!   Geesh!!  

Only later in life did I realize that behind that smirk was a good-natured ribbing about the stupid situation I had put myself in that day and often did. No lectures came, no “what were you thinking of being out on  a day like this?”  No, just the needed help was provided with a warm smile and then without a word, after pulling me free, he was off headed back to the farm to finish his task.  He didn’t wait for a thank you as none was expected or needed.

He was a truly a quiet man. I remember spending hours at his house never hearing his voice, yet always being met with a quick “hi”  and a warm and inviting smile that said all that needed to be said. Then he would scurry on about his business once he realized the purpose of my visit did not involve him. 

I watched he and his son spend 100’s of hours together while I was growing up.  Long periods of time would go by without a word.  Whether sitting on the porch watching the world go by or working around outside together on a project. The silence was a common and natural thing.  As a young man, I never understood the silence.  Something always seemed to be missing. Surely there were things to talk about, Gossip to pass on or news to cover? Surely !!  

Little did I know it was exactly as it was meant to be.  They didn’t need to talk. Being there to help when needed or a visit for a spell or even just to sit on the porch and watch the sunset on the mountains said it all. The silence was all that needed to be said and the message between them was loud and clear. I care, I’m here and I always will be.  It took many years for me to understand that. To be able to appreciate the silence and enjoy the presence. 

I remember one of the last times we all gathered at the farm for Christmas. My cousins and their families from Bangor came down every Christmas to celebrate. By this time I was grown and had young children of my own. Children who grew to love him as much as I did. The house was full of adults and kids running everywhere. He sat silent most of the time. Only speaking when spoken to, yet enjoying every minute of the hustle and bustle that filled his home.  

As I sat across the room watching him I could see tears welling in his eyes, tears generated by the joy one feels from having 4 generations of his family all under one roof enjoying a day with him. He didn’t see me watching and quickly wiped away any sign of emotion before anyone saw him, but for me, it was the rare moment I was blessed to witness.  Again no words were spoken yet the message was clear.

 The call came in late June of 2003, that he was in the hospital. The prognosis was not good. My family and I were 1400 miles away at that time living in Alabama. We loaded the suburban with everything we needed and headed for Maine. Praying we would make it in time. 

I drove 24 hours straight as I often did but this time there was an urgency that made the trip even more nerve-wracking. 

When we got to the hospital he was sitting back on pillows in an attempt to prop him up. He didn’t look like the strong man I grew up with.  I instantly knew this time he wasn’t going to be able to fix this. Time and the stroke had taken its toll and he looked tired, weak and for the first time in my life broken. We talked to the nurses and doctors, the family mingled and quietly spoke amongst ourselves. We also spoke “with” him. He would nod and you could tell he understood but speech came hard at this point so I guess he didn’t try. He didn’t need to. 

When I left the hospital that day it was the last time I saw this great man alive. I leaned over and gave him a hug and for the first time as an adult I whispered: “I love you Gramp”.   As I pulled away our eyes met. He never said a word nor did I, yet the silence said it all. With tears in my eyes, I squeezed his hand and walked away. 

It's been 15 years since he left us and his silence still speaks to me. 

Arnold Smith

April 28, 1917 - July 8, 2003

4 Days?

 So, I am pretty good at celebrating my wife of 34 years, I mean I NEVER forget our anniversary, (that’s because it's on my birthday, yup, I planned that one out perfectly years ago! Wink Wink). I always remember to make a special deal out of valentine’s day, chocolate is always a nice and welcomed touch. Her birthday always brings forth a surprise and of course the granddaddy of them all Christmas. I LOVE doing things special for Christmas!  I am more of the, buy a whole bunch of unique little gifts kinda guy, rather than one big gift. Although last year I broke that mold and bought her a heated jacket for winter. Which she loves by the way.  This thing even has a preheat mode!  

 I pride myself as a hubby that never misses the socially mandated, commercially driven days to celebrate your significant other.

Often, she is envied by officemates when flowers arrive at the office for one of these “special” days.  I even throw in a “just because” celebration every now and again. What a great husband am I!! ....................... really???? So, let's see, Birthday, Valentines, Christmas, Wedding Anniversary…… So that’s 4 days a year I go out of my way to celebrate the most important person in my life. Oh ya and a few just because efforts!! Hhhhmmmmm???? Hitting all the societal milestones says I’m a great husband, wonderful caring partner! I have made it the pinnacle of husbandry! What more could she ask for? I know right !! I am sure there are significant others out there that would be happy to reach that milestone. To have what she has!! 

She leans into the mirror as she brushes her teeth. Her hand raises to gently follow and investigate a new wrinkle, a wrinkle that apparently wasn’t there yesterday as she seems to just notice it.  She longs for the days gone by when the mirror held no surprises. 

As we walk through the store she stops to look at clothes, she checks the tag for the size. As she looks it over she eventually puts it back with a somewhat sad look on her face.  Time has changed the number on the tags she now wears. She works diligently to stay looking young. Much harder than she really needs to. At her stage in life, she has a youthful look most her age are envious of.  Yet inside she feels the tug to hold on to what youth graced her with and time is trying to steal. 

Oh, and let's not talk about gravity. Peaches have become pears, perky becomes…well …...saggy and time and gravity become foes worth fighting daily.  A battle she knows she can’t win.

For over 35 years she has held tightly to the love that binds us. The more I pushed and strained that grip, the tighter she held. There is no doubt over the 35 years there were times she should have walked away. No one would have blamed her for giving up. At times she must have felt like she was the only one that cared, the only one trying to keep our world together. A level of lonely I can only imagine. It's sad looking back what foolish things we can do to the ones we love the most. 

 By far she has been the anchor, the glue that held our family together. Selflessly raising 2 boys at a cost only she knows.  Too many times a battle fought alone as work kept me away. She gave up everything to make sure her family had what they needed. We always came first and still do.  Never did I see the tears, yet I know they must have flowed. I imagine at the end of many a long day fighting with teenage boys while working full time and desperately trying to keep the house together. I am sure they ran and stained her beautiful cheeks as no one was there to wipe them away. But hold on she did. Never letting go. Never giving up!

4 days and a few thrown in for good measure, seems not only ridiculous but embarrassing, wouldn’t you say? 

I should be celebrating her every day! She should hear how beautiful she is every day! How gravity and wrinkles are not a sign of defeat at the hands of time, but a sign of victory for a battle well fought and a reward truly earned. Her beauty only grows as time opens each new chapter in our life together. But I have to tell her! 

The number on the tag doesn’t matter! The mirror reflects the beauty of the age gained gracefully, not the loss of the youth! She still takes my breath away every day as I see her walking my way. Why did I stop telling her? 

 I don’t have enough days left to celebrate all she has given me!  To cover the debt of all she has sacrificed over the years I will never live to see.  Even if I live to be 100, nothing I could do would repay the sacrifices made and the tears lost. 

But I will try to even the score just a little. I will replace as many tears from the past with smiles of the future and lonely nights with joyful memories.   I will make sure she knows she is perfect just as she is and beautiful beyond words and I will make sure she never forgets!  No I can never even the score  but I will spend what days I have left trying.

Who should you be celebrating daily? Who do you take for granted? Why not start today, celebrating those who deserve more than 4 days a year.

 So they say you can never go back……. "things will never be the same"…….. they say. "It’s best to not even try and save yourself the disappointment," they say.

  Well for the most part "they" are probably right.  You certainly can’t go back. Time quietly slips by while we barely notice it’s passing, minutes become hours, which turn into days and eventually years. Quietly slipping by until one day you realize just how much of it you've lost.

Although they may be right and you cannot go back, you can, however, revisit old memories and allow your mind to bring you back in time to a place you once knew.

It was 36 years ago the first time I stood on this rock overlooking this beautiful trout stream.  For the most part, little has changed over the decades since my first visit.  Yes, the trees that line the brook are bigger but it is just as I remember it to be all those years ago. The crystal clear water meanders and loudly babbles its way over rocks as it swiftly makes its way to its downstream destination. As I stood there soaking in the beauty of this place, I let my mind wander back to a day so long ago. Same rock, same stream, the same feeling of wonder at the beauty stretched out before me. The beauty of this place remains unchanged! Maybe you can go back! Maybe “they” were wrong I thought to myself! What do “they” know anyway!! This all seems so familiar! Like it was just yesterday I had discovered it for the first time!

As I glance over the water’s surface, fishing pole in hand, trying to predict where the best trout would be hiding, my eyes catch the image of my reflection on the smooth water’s surface. Although time may have stood still for my surroundings, it was clear in what was looking back at me, that time truly had raged forward. Where 36 years ago stood a slender, young man with the world at his feet. Now stood an aging man weathered by time and a far cry from the figure that first looked into that same pool.  I stare at my reflection as if I were looking at a painting. As if it were a glimpse into the future and not the result of times relentless progression. For a brief moment, I am lost, wedged somewhere between the memories of yesteryear and the sobering reality looking back at me. Soon I smile at the figure looking back from the water. A smile filled with a lifetime of adventures, a life lived well and a life with few regrets.  

Oh, what I could tell that young man of years ago. The adventures we were about to go on and the memories we would make. If I had told him that day so long ago, that we would remember for decades what lay before us and how important that place would become to us, I am sure of his response. 

No, you can’t go back and I guess in many ways that may be a good thing.   If we could, what things would we miss as time passed us by while we held on tightly and blindly to yesterday?  What would we miss while looking back?

Never forget yesterday,  try to live fully in each today and always look forward to the adventures that may await you in whatever tomorrows you may have left.  Time will surely pass no matter what we do. So make it a priority to make memories as often as you can, memories that the future you will long to look back on!

I Love You, Good Night

 So Saturday is our anniversary. We have been married 34 years! Doesn't seem possible but the calendar doesn't lie.  I am returning today from a 3 day camping trip to the north woods. A trip far away from civilization and the things that distract us from what is important in life. 

This trip was a unique trip for me. Although I have been to this area countless times over the years, it was my first solo trip camping. Just me and my tent . I have gone with a couple other fishermen over the years but for the most part my partner in all things outdoors has been my wife.

 For 34 years (and a few before we got married) Lisa has been by my side on almost every adventure into the wildness. She has climbed mountains, forged freezing cold streams and slept in the rain many times over the years. We have explored countless miles of streams, discovered secret places few have gone and hiked into many remote trout pond to try our luck.  

Through the good and the bad she has been by my side gladly taking on any adventure I could dream up and there have been many over the years.   So why a solo trip this time ? Well life has unfairly put us in a situation where I have much more vacation time per year than Lisa. Unfair for sure! But they are the cards we have been dealt currently so we will make the best of it. I decided this week to take a few days and go north to one of my favorite northern locations. It was actually the location Lisa and I went on our honeymoon.  Yes she tented in northern Maine on her honeymoon. That is love folks !  

I was excited to discover after several hours of driving on dusty, dirt logging roads, there was no one there! I had the entire end of the lake to myself!  There is only 2 remote campsites on this end of the lake and lucky for me I was alone !  I quickly set up camp and set off exploring more of the area that is such a special place to me ! 

It was a wonderful three days, although rather buggy with the black flies and mosquitos in full force . I climbed mountains , hiked streams and took an 8 mile round trip hike into a waterfall I have known about for years and always wanted to see.

 The falls had to be 100 feet high and nestled deep in a large water carved gorge boarder with sheer cliffs equally as high. It was a trick to get down into the base of the falls for this aging adventurer, even with a well marked trail . I was able to catch many  brook trout and salmon at its base so It was well worth the hike.   

This trip was almost perfect ! Almost ..... The only thing was my partner of 34 years was silently missing from my side.  

You are probably wondering about the picture.  First a little of the back story. For 34 years Lisa and I kiss each other every night and say "I love you good night" as we climb into bed . we have been together for 34 years and it's been the same chorus each night.

  As the sun set that first night the absence of foot prints in the sand beside me, footprints that had been there so many times before and the solitude of the location made me strongly aware that I was missing my partner!  

I took that picture with the hopes that I could find a mountain top high enough to get a little  signal on my cell phone , maybe from a tower in Millinocket if I was lucky , just enough signal was all I was hoping for so I could send it off with the the words . "I love you good night"  and nothing more. Unfortunately it wasn't meant to be.  I whispered those words as the sun went down but no signal was found. 

I had a wonderful trip and unless things change with Lisa's work I will be making more solo trips north. But be assured every night as the sun goes down she will know that no matter where I am and what I am doing, signal or not, I will be quietly whispering into the still of the north maine woods. "I love you , good night" 

Happy 34 Lisa Crooker Smith ! Oh how I love you !