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 My Gift To You !

SO, this is the time and the season for giving.

 That being the case, I will give you all a gift.

 If you read this to the end, my gift to you, will be that you should feel much better about yourself after reading this.

You’re welcome!

This story happened several years ago, and I never shared it with anyone for a couple years. Not even Lisa!

Even then when I shared it, there are only a handful of people who knew the story I am about to share with you.

You’ll understand why in a moment.

It was several years ago, we are in the car and on our way to Lebanon Maine so Lisa and our God Daughter Amanda Poulin can sky dive. 

We get there and all is going well. 

They get registered and we begin our wait.

It isn’t long before the girls are called in to get their gear on and begin preparing to board the plane. Usually from this point on I don’t see them until they hit the ground. 

Lucky, for me they have a great little restaurant that serves all manner of food to tide me over until they land. 

They also have GREAT coffee!   Important to the story .

As I am sitting in my chair on the lawn waiting for them to board their plane,(drinking my 4th cup of coffee for the day )  I decided I need to hit the bathroom and get rid of some of the coffee I have consumed.

I walk over to the bathrooms and there is a line for both of the two unisex bathrooms.

Not a problem, I thought, I’ll just get in line.

 Being about fourth or fifth in line I assume I will be taking care of this issue in short order.

NOPE !  Not sure what was going on but after about 15 minutes I was still number 3 in line. 

At this point things are starting to become critical. I had three cups of coffee on the way down and was on my fourth, my bladder is telling me in a very serious way, that it’s time to get rid of at least a cup or two.

I nervously look around and I see no other options.  

I do see a path leading to several buildings set back in the trees. As 

I watch it looks like staff are coming and going using the path.

As the situation reaches a critical stage, I decide to quickly take the path and see where it goes.

Worst case scenario I can keep walking past anyone’s sight and find a tree to utilize if need be. Not my best option but things are getting desperate.

To my great delight the first building I come to has a sign on it that says, “Staff Bathroom” . Now it has the usual Male/female sign on the door indicating I should be able to use it without getting thrown out if I am caught!

I quickly surveyed the situation and luckily for me there is no one utilizing the bathroom at this time.

Now I want to take a moment and explain to you exactly what this bathroom looked like.

IT was SMALL. It was a room big enough to have a toilet and a sink and that’s it. I honestly expected to lift the lid and see a hole in the floor leading to a pit but to my surprise it was a bowl full of water. 

When I say this bathroom is small, I mean small. I think you could sit on the toilet and wash your hands at the same time.  Small room!!

I quickly step to the toilet, lift the lid, and give my bladder the needed relief It has been screaming for !

Now this toilet was an old toilet. You know the kind that has a horizontal handle on the water pipe on the back of the toilet and you just push it down to activate the water.

Once finished, I lean forward to push down the lever. 

Out of the corner of my eye I see a crudely drilled hole in the wall to my right . 

The hole is not the kind of hole perverts use to watch people use the restroom! 

 No, just a crudely cut hole that was twice as big as it needed to be to support the small chrome button that only partially stuck out of the hole.

Now that’s strange, I thought.

No sign, No directions. Nothing. Just a small button sticking out of a hole in the wall in a VERY small and crude bathroom. 

So, this is where things went terribly wrong and one of the reasons no one has heard this story since that day. 

Curiosity got the best of me, and I reached down and pushed the button. 

Now normally I pride myself in being very observant and I usually know what’s around me.

Within seconds I realized the error of my ways as I pushed the button.

The powers of observation that I was just bragging about above had failed me and I did not notice the small tube curling up from under the toilet bowls inside rim .

As I pushed the button a stream of water strong enough to put out a fire from 20 feet away shot out of that little pipe that I failed to notice, and hit me right in the middle of my chest. I jumped back in horror trying to figure out what had just happened !

 I quickly looked down to see the stream of water had left a wet streak from my chin all the way down to my jeans.

I had a 4-inch-wide wet streak up the entire front of me . 

I stood there shocked at being assaulted by a piece of porcelain! What? Why?  

As I looked in the mirror I was mortified to see the results of my fight with that little tube.

“Good Lord I can’t go out there like that!! What am I going to do ???” I said aloud.

In what seemed like minutes but was only seconds, I hatched a plan to hide my stupidity. A plan I should have thought through better.

I can’t dry my shirt, the streak is soaking wet. That little tube put out a LOT of water with a substantial amount of pressure!

WELL, I thought to myself , I have to eliminate the pattern! 

I started using tap water to add water to the shirt so that the water wasn’t such an obvious streak caused by my little plastic pipe friend.

The more water I added to the shirt the more stupid it all looked, and I finally reached a point where I decided it was just time to give up. 

Face the humility of my actions and go back out into the world.

So, with a shirt that now looks like I was hit by a VERY large water balloon I opened the door and stepped out of the bathroom and into the world.

Several steps along the path headed back to the Jump site I met another guy headed towards the bathroom. He didn’t look like a staff member as he didn’t have the company clothing on. 

He looked like a guy in a despite search for a place to get rid of coffee and I knew that look well.

As we quickly pass each other along the path our eyes meet for just a second.

As I passed him, I said the four words I wish someone had said to me.

As I passed on the trail I simply said in a sheepish voice.

DON’T PUSH THE BUTTON !

Fingerprints

As we grow older, life takes us on a path of twists and turns.

Unfortunately, we often lose track of people that are important to us.

People who were close once. 

People we engaged with every day.

We don’t purposefully stop paying attention, sadly it just happens.

We stop looking, stop seeing, and slowly things fade away.

It had been a long time since I TRULY saw him. 

It's been a long time since I really looked at the details that time has created.

To say I was surprised at how he looked would be an understatement.

Although I see him often, I never really looked or focused on the details. 

A quick nod or acknowledgement and back to life.

The memory of him that I carry with me, is as a younger man, stuck in his youth as thought time had somehow frozen. 

He was thin then.

 Not muscular by any means but tall, sporting a look that youth will afford those who lack the appreciation of what they have. 

A look they will someday miss.

 A look that seems to be here one day and is gone the next.

It was clear that time had taken its toll as it always does. 

Those features so clearly present in my memory are long gone!

His swagger that I remember from years ago has been replaced with a slowed gait, that sense of confidence seems to have faded with the passing of time.

When I recently took the time to look at his face closely, I almost didn’t recognize him. 

My memory of him was erased and reality quickly took its place.

Was he the same person I remember?

If his looks had changed that much, what else was different?

Although he looked different, on the inside was he still the same person I knew all those years ago?

 He may be the same person I remember him to be, but I feel the man of today has little in common with the man he was so long ago.

That person from years ago that I remember so vividly and that I can see so clearly,

NO as I look in the mirror, the only thing I seem to have in common with that young man from long ago. 

Are fingerprints.

Lessons from the Tide

As we get out of the truck the mist hits us directly in our face. It’s 48 degrees, foggy with a heavy mist.

I pull the hood of my rain jacket up and point my face to the ground as we make our way over the high rock berm and onto the beach.

We are at Jasper beach, a beach in Machiasport Maine. 

 The beach is made up entirely of polished red hued Jasper stones. 

A beach like nothing I had seen before.

As the tide goes in and out the stones roll against each other and create an almost singing sound. 

It really is something to hear.

As I mentioned before it’s a very cool and foggy day, so we have the entire beach to ourselves.

We waste no time and start walking and looking down at the magnificent stones that make up Jasper beach. 

As we walk further down the beach my eyes catch something in the fog that I can't make out.

It seems to be a row of something sticking out of the stones off in the distance. 

As we get closer it becomes clear that what we see is all that remains of what was once a pier or a structure of some kind.

They only stick out of the stones a foot or two as the rest has long been taken by time.

As we stand there looking at what remains, we talk about what could it be? A pier for what? There is no town here. No long-ago settlement existed close by.  

No railroad or road to connect to that ran close to the beach. 

 So what could it have been and how long ago was it built?

It doesn’t even go all the way to the shoreline.  

 It stops way before the high tide mark. 

Very strange indeed.

All that remains is a whisper from the past of a story we may never know but enjoyed thinking about.

After a few minutes we moved further down the beach towards what looked like caves in the cliff walls.

The caves were so interesting.

 It cost me wet feet to get to them as I crossed a small stream that drained a backwater marsh, but it was more than worth it. 

There were four caves. 

One, you could go in one side and out the other and 3 that went into the cliff. The deepest was close to 25 feet into the cliff wall.

Had anyone ever used it to escape the weather or a storm? Was it ever used for shelter? 

I don’t know but my imagination ran wild and there were countless stories of what could have happened there over the hundreds to thousands of years those caves have existed.

Stories that no one will ever know for sure but fun to think about.

After exploring the caves while Lisa watched from the dry side of the stream, I crossed again, ensuring a complete soaking of my feet before we headed back to the truck in the mist. 

As we slowly walked along the beach, Lisa stopped and turned around and took this picture of our footprints on the beach. 

This picture in so many ways reflects our journey through life.

Although we make tracks as we walk along in life. Like the tide that cleared the track we left on the beach that day. 

Time will do the same with our tracks in life.  

Regardless of the length of your life’s journey, time, like the tide will eventually erase your tracks and all that will be left is the memory of what was, 

in those who knew.

I guess the lesson to learn from the tide,

is that your tracks will never last and you too will fade into a memory! 

Make sure you are enjoying the walk.

TIME

 Warning! Warning! Warning!

Very Long and probably incoherent but "might" be worth reading but no promises.

As many of you know. This past summer I celebrated my 60th trip around the sun.

Not a particularly special event nor is it any great achievement on my part. 

It’s simply a number and a moment that recognizes the passing of time. 

For me turning 60 seemed to have caused a minor shift in thinking.

Although turning 60 has created no drastic physical or emotional change in me. It did trigger something that I have been trying to figure out. 

Leading up to the big 60 I felt different. Things seemed different.

 I couldn’t put my finger on it! 

Was I feeling melancholy?

 Was I starting to sense my mortality?

 Was regret from the past creeping in and rearing its ugly head ?

No, none of those seemed to be able to explain the shift in my emotions and my thinking. 

The day came and went and like everyone else who hits this milestone of life,  little if anything changed in my day to day.

And yet it had. Inside something was different.

But what ?

This morning somewhere around 3 am my brain came to life ( as it often does ) and the answer was clear.

The answer is …………..Time

Yes ,  leading up to and since my birthday , what has changed is my thoughts and understanding of Time. 

Time left.

Time wasted. 

Time cherished 

Time regretted .

What has shifted for me is the concept of  time and how I now look at it. 

I couldn’t see this while I was going through this shift in thinking, but now it all makes sense.

Before I go any further let’s look at time. What is it ?

Well actually, “ time “ in and of itself, doesn’t exist. There is no such thing as a TIME. You can’t hold it in your hand. You can’t see it, change it, or affect it.

No time itself doesn’t exist as an object.

What I’ve come to realize is that time is simply the measure of brief moments of existence.

So, let’s pause for a moment and let’s look at reality or existence. What is it?

Does history exist ?  Is the future a real thing?

I would argue that neither the past nor the future exist anywhere but in our mind. 

The only reality is the current moment you and I are in at this exact moment.

Once that moment is gone, it only exists in our thoughts. You can’t physically go back in time. 

Once gone, a moment ceases to exist except in our mind or the collective mind of our society.

Let me give you an example. If I walk alone into the woods and I snap my fingers . The second the sound has faded, that moment in time no longer exists. The snap is forever gone , EXCEPT in the memory I have of the snap. That moment and everything in it has been replaced with a new moment and the snap is now not a part of current reality.

The snap only exists now in a thought string that I will carry with me until that leaves me and at that point the snap and the moment in “time” the snap took place will be gone from existence forever.

Now if lisa was with me and witnessed the Snap, that moment in time would also live in her memory. Our collective memory of the snap would live on BUT the actual snap and the moment in time the snap took place does not exist anymore. Merely our memory of the moment.

The same thing holds true with the future . The future doesn’t exist. There is no such thing as the future. You can’t hold it, you can’t leave this moment and go there , Future time Like past time is something that lives within our minds.

Now lucky for us our world is a very stable environment and for the MOST PART our minds can “predict” what the future could and should look like. But that too has no basis in reality,  its mearly a forward projection of our current state of existence. 

It doesn’t exist YET . We only hope what is now, is what is coming our way but again that lives within our mind and has no basis for reality.

Ask anyone who has had a tragedy or an accident lately if they knew or thought it was going to happen, the answer will be no.

Ask anyone who suddenly lost a loved one, if they ever dreamed that day would come so quickly and they will likely say no. Our “future” as perceived by us is only a narrative created by our mind and in reality doesn’t exist. There is nothing “there” in the future. 

Why because the future doesn’t exist. The only thing that is real is the current moment.

Our reality is a combination of anticipation of moments to come,  the reality of the moment as we live it, and the string of memories we retain as that moment fades and is replaced by the next. 

When you look at those three things,  it’s easy to see that only one is real.

 This moment. The other two are thoughts in our minds. One predictive, one in memory but neither are real .

 The only thing that exists is this current moment. 

So, what is time? 

Well it’s really three things. 

Perceived time. Anticipation of what will come ( lives in our mind and is not real)

Current moment. The only thing that is real, and is the only one we can do anything with or impact.

Memory time. Again the collective memories of the real moments we have lived ( again live in our minds and have no basis in reality, except through  thought strings we keep)

Time and our perception of the passing of time ,  is when we combine all three into a seamless narrative .

 When we do that, we are able to feel and perceive the passage of time.

Without all three,  time and the passing of time,  would not work 

So, by now you are surely asking yourself,  what in the world is my point,  and what does this have to do with turning 60.

Glad you asked.

If you internalize what I have said above, and you truly understand the ramifications you should understand where your priorities should be in life.

This moment, right now,  is the only place where you can do anything. This is the only reality we have.

Focusing on memories of the past. Dwelling on mistakes that are now simply thought strings weaving through our mind,  is pointless.

Worrying about and fantasizing about the future that also doesn’t exist is also a waste of time .

Both serve no purpose and add no value to your life as you live it in this moment.

Now let me clarify. You can use THIS MOMENT to impact both.

Now wait a minute AL,  you just said they weren’t real. If they are not real, then how can we affect them in our current moment?

Great question .

The past and the actions you took in the past are GONE . They do not exist anymore except in your mind and the mind of those impacted.

 BUT the ramifications of those moments in time could be lingering into your current moment. The only moment that is real.

Let me give you an example. If you hurt a friend 20 years ago and it caused an end to your friendship. There is NOTHING you can do to change the past. You can’t go back and do it over , you can’t pretend it didn’t happen. The memory thread of that event exists in  your mind and the mind of the person you hurt. 

It’s in the collective  consciousness of those involved that the event  lives on. THAT cannot be changed.

All you can do is use THIS moment to try and change the reality that exists NOW , The reality of not having your friend anymore.

 BECAUSE of a moment in time that is now gone.  The ramifications of those previous actions still exist, 

That is something you can work on!  

The past doesn’t exist, but the outcomes of those events may still exist in this moment.

Those  lingering outcomes you can use the current moment to have an impact on. But all you have is the current moments because that is all there is to reality.

What about the future ?   Another great question. If the future doesn’t exist, do we hopelessly just wait until those moments manifest themselves as current time and accept what that moment brings us.

Well, we sure can, and so many do, they take what life brings them and deal with it in the moment when it arrives.

But even though the future doesn’t exist we can perceive a future. Again, a future rooted completely in our Minds with no basis in reality.

Lucky for us. Most of our existence is so stable that we can conceive a future where the sun rises and sets. A future where the current moment continues forward, and we can anticipate the changes coming based on current conditions and the memories we have of how the past moments have led to this moment. Yes, we can “somewhat” predict what our future MIGHT be.

But as we all know,  the story we paint in our mind rarely ends up coming into existence. Death, tragedy, and unexpected events change our perceived future as if to only solidify that the future does not exist until it becomes the current moment.

Now we can certainly do our best to create the future we would like. School, Training, faith, making decisions that we HOPE will help create the future we want . BUT again, the future doesn’t exist, and we are merely Hedging our bets that actions today will impact the coming moments in our lives.

That is a good bet to take and something well worth doing vs simply waiting to see what life has in store for you .

So, what does all this mean? What’s the point ? 

The point is the only real thing we have is this MOMENT right now.  The only place we have to work on the memories from the past or the desires for the future is this moment.

By the time you read this the moments I took to write this will be gone and will only exist in the thought strings of my mind. To the entire world as a whole. Those moments did not and do not exist. 

The only existence left is my memory of those moments and the outcome. 

This rambling.

So again, what in the world does this have to do with turning 60 and the feelings I’ve had about it?

Simply that this morning at 3am it all came together and made sense.

It’s all about TIME. The only time that exists. 

The moment I am in at any given moment. 

I need to focus on that moment because it’s the only place I have to work. 

Feeling regret about events in the past is a waste. It’s gone. If I can mitigate the effects of bad decisions I made in the past, effects that still exist in the current moment, WONDERFUL! 

I need to use the current moment to mitigate those.

 If I can’t do anything about it, realize that the guilt, self-torture and doubt I feel over the event resides only within my mind and I need to let it go. That reality is gone, and I can do nothing about it.

Same with the future, instead of worrying about when I will die or who will go first, Lisa or me.

Instead of worrying about what health issue old age will greet me with , Dementia , mobility issues, quality of life issues? There are a thousand demons that may await this aging process.

No, instead of worrying about that perceived existence that is not real .

I need to focus on what I can do today to “hedge my bet” for the perceived moments I hope to have.

I have to accept  that until those future perceptions become real moments, the future, the outcome of my efforts will be unknown.

So the shift I have been going through but unable to see has been in a shift in the concept of time.

Instead of focusing on time wasted in the past, Time left in the future and all the baggage that accompanies these perspectives.

I have come to realize that the only TIME that matters is Now. This moment, what am I doing with the only time that is real.

How do I make the most of this moment (or time) as it is the only one that matters and the only one that I can actually do something within. 

I have to learn to enjoy THIS MOMENT.

Make the most of THIS MOMENT

Stop worrying about tomorrow, next year, or decades from now as that reality doesn’t exist.

Reality is now. All else lives in the mind.

Everything else is just battles in my mind that are only real if I allow them to be.

What time are you focusing on?

Very Good (class reunion)

As I walk out the large barn door, I step into the darkness. 

After a few steps I turn and look back at the scene I had just left.

Everyone is standing in the brightly lit barn, there are hugs being given and goodbyes being said.

Several weeks earlier the cry went out, “Dennis is coming back to Maine for a visit, who wants to get together one evening with him”.

My immediate response is yes!  I always enjoy visiting with Dennis when he makes it back.

Although the main focus of the gathering was his return, a real side benefit is the chance to get together with classmates you don’t see all year or even for years.

You may not be close friends with them. You may not socialize with them throughout the year , but on occasions like this it's nice to talk and catch up. 

“Hey look that’s Jon,” I exclaimed as Jon walked across the lawn and into the barn.

“I didn’t know he was coming up from Connecticut !”  I said leaning back in my chair.

I had arrived a little early in case Mary needed help setting up, but of course it was all done.

She and Molly were chatting, waiting for folks to arrive as I walked in.

It’s interesting to watch the dynamics of the group as we slowly gathered.  

Quick hello’s , followed by short periods of awkwardness as we all get into our rhythm. 

Soon the barn was full of conversations and laughter as people talked in pairs, groups and at times, all together.

There is a never-ending supply of things to talk about and the conversations never dragged.

The chatting and mingling continued on for several hours as everyone tried to touch base with all that were there.

Unfortunately, it's time to go, life, family and maybe, just maybe, a touch of old age closes things down.

Yes, as I look back into the Barn from the darkness, I am so glad we have Denise and Mary in our lives to make sure we get the chance to get together from time to time.

From the darkness I say to no one listening.

“This was good.  Very good!”

Thank you Mary Howes and Denise Castonguay.  

Until we do it again !

 

As you all know, this year I turned 60. 

Intellectually I know it's just another number or another year and there is no real significance to turning 60.

But for me it has been a chance to reflect and look back on a life lived so far and create a score card of sorts. 

 Accomplishments, bucket lists, regrets, blessings.

I have given much thought to my life so far over the past few months.  

Much has made me smile, a few tears have flowed as well.

Today I want to talk about the greatest blessing I have. 

The one true blessing that all other blessings radiate from. 

That blessing said “I do” 40 years ago and changed my life forever. 

As a young man at the time, I just thought I was getting a sexy, kind, and patient wife. 

Little did I know how much she would fundamentally change who I was and change it for the better.

Now those words are easy to say and many do, but trust me when I tell you, for me this was oh so true. 

She brought light into a negative young man who looked at the world as just another battle waiting to fight.

She brought love and kindness into my life at a level I had never seen or felt before. 

She gave me more patience and grace than I deserved.

She sacrificed more than anyone will ever know to make our life together strong.

She allowed me to get “through” who I was, so I could become the man and husband she deserves. (still working on that one)

She helps, supports and is a friend to anyone who needs it.

She is the best wife, mother, mother-in-law, friend, daughter, and grandmother she can possibly be and she works hard each day to try to be just a little better.

So, when I look back on my life there is one true turning point, one true blessing that has enriched and made my life the wonderful journey it has been.

That Blessing has a Birthday today and turns 59! 

I think she looks pretty damn good for 59!!   Don’t you!?!?

So, if you run into this sweet lady, please take a moment and wish her a Happy Birthday.

She makes the world that touches her just a little better every day!

Love you Lisa and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Goodbye my friend.

 

Goodbye my friend.

I met Gary decades ago when I started Tournament Bass fishing here I Maine. 

He was a friendly guy who always met you with a smile and a handshake. 

I soon learned he had a level of skill that I would admire and strive to emulate. 

Although I will never achieve his level of success, his ability to catch bass combined with sportsmanship and sense of fair play is something I will always strive to attain.

Although a fierce competitor on the water and every time he entered a tournament he intended to win, he never lost his desire to teach or share info to those he respected. 

I remember one morning before a State Tournament on Cobb I stopped by Gary’s boat to say hello. He asked me if I was ready for the day.  I exclaimed with great angst that my practice had really struggled, and I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. .

After a moment of silence, he looked up from his rod that he was fiddling with and with a low tone and a smile he quietly said.” Well, if I were you, I wouldn’t bother fishing rocks in 6 to 8 feet of water” . He then looked back down at the lure he was fiddling with and changed the subject. 

His tip was, of course, right on target and I made the state team that year as an alternate.

He loved fishing and he enjoyed growing that love for fishing in others.

Gary was a fiercely loyal man when it came to his family and his country.

He would often call his beloved wife Sheri “His Queen” and you knew he meant it. His love for Sheri and his family was clear and well known to all that spent any time around Gary.

Will some remember Gary as being abrasive at times?? Yes, some will.  

Gary’s incredible loyalty and passion for family and country and a high level of confidence in that value structure, put him at odds with some in our society that he deemed a threat, a threat to the way of life he not only valued, but he also served to protect.

If you were on the opposite side of an issue with Gary, you knew it. 

He would clearly and concisely let you know how he felt and why he felt you were wrong in your thinking. 

I guess his strong convictions, combined with his military training and confident personality gave him the tools to address many of the issues head on that we all face today.

But please don’t get me wrong. Gary was a TRULY kind and considerate man in all aspects of his life.

Lisa and I camp at the same campground as Sheri and Gary and they would often drive by on their golf cart, if the day required a visit with us Gary would start onto the lot with the golf cart, stop the cart and ask ,”mind if we stop for a quick visit ?”   I remember 

Lisa commented on how “polite and old school “it was for him to ask.

Gary was a complex mix of traits. He was one of the friendliest and kindest men you would ever know if you were lucky enough to have him call you friend. 

He was also a fierce warrior, not afraid to take on anything or anyone who threatened his way of life, his family, or his country.

The world needs more men like Gary LeRoy but sadly yesterday 

August 6, 2024, we lost the one we had.

Gary, you will be missed by so many, we will share stories about you around boat ramps and weigh in sites for years to come, but one thing is for sure, you will never be forgotten!

 For those of us fortunate enough to have known Gary L LeRoy, we will honor your memory with rod and reel in hand .

Tight lines my friend!

Thank you!

So, if you read Fridays post you know this is a very important weekend for me. 

 I have hit two milestones that in my youth, were inconceivable.

The first, I wrote about was that today is my 60th Birthday. ( still doesn’t seem that I am that old)

The second milestone is not only more important to me but also harder for me to believe.

Today Lisa and I have been married for 40 years !!!!!!   

Again, another milestone I would never have been so bold as to predict as a young man!

I do have one question though. A question that has plagued me for quite some time.

It’s a simple question, not complicated in its structure but oh so complicated in its meaning and implementation.

The question is. 

How do you thank someone who….

Who took you back as a teenager after you broke her heart just a year earlier

Who said yes to a lifetime with a very broken, very scared young man.

Who gave up her dream to go to school for computer science right out of high school because I wouldn’t support it

Who lived in supportive, loving, compliance as I controlled all aspects of our new marriage for the first few years.

Who lived through all the tears I created in those early years

Who supported everything I did with a level of selflessness that bordered on saintly

Who gave me two beautiful children

Who has always worked to help support our family while also managing and tending a household and for many years without help.

Who agreed to move to Alabama and leave her family and friends so I could follow my dream of becoming SOMEONE.

Who spent countless days working and managing a home and teenage boys while I traveled around the country chasing my career.

Who cried herself to sleep too many nights with no one to wipe away the tears or ease her pain.

Who gives 100% of herself to me, her children, our grandchildren, and Daughter in laws.

Who thinks of other first,  ALWAYS.

I could go on and on, but you get the point. 

40 years of support and love at a level I never deserved.

So, I ask you again, How?

How can I possibly repay 40 years of love, sacrifice, and commitment like that?

How?

I love you Lisa!

You have gone from being just a        PART        of my world all those years ago 

To now you        ARE     my world!

 You taught this broken man what’s truly important in life!

Happy 40th.

60? REALLY??

I have never been one for milestones.

 I don’t really set goals for myself or chart a path for my life. 

I have never had a new year’s resolution!

 I basically chug a long one day at a time, focusing on the issues at hand and not much more.

This weekend marks two milestones that I never thought I would achieve.

I would never have been so bold as to even set them as a goal!!

This Rambling will deal with one of those goals today.

Sunday, I turn 60 years old……60!!

Turning 60 is an achievement I never thought I would attain. 

As a young man my vision for the future never had a 4th quarter built in.

I’m not sure why but my vision for my future was always extremely limited. Very shallow, and the idea of decades out seemed unattainable.

Although never envisioned or even imagined, here I am.

For those whom 60 is long gone, my ramblings may seem humorous, even a bit dramatic as you navigated this milestone and pushed on with little to no fanfare.

For me age has always been just a number.

 I never really saw birthdays as a big deal and would often joke that hitting a birthday simply meant I survived another trip around the sun.

 Something to celebrate in and of itself I guess, but not something I paid much attention to. 

Just another day.

But this year for some reason feels different. 

From the time I could see 60 approaching I started to think differently. 

To reflect, to regret as well as celebrate. 

To look forward with a new focus that was always lacking in my life to this point.

I have spent more time looking "back"  this year than looking forward. 

It’s often easy to get stuck in the stories of yesterday.

 I have been looking back to try to see where it all went. 

The 30’s, 40’s, and now the  50’s gone, in what seems a blink of an eye.

What has my life amounted to? 

What did I make of my 60 years on this rock?

At times, a deep sense of sadness or melancholy has overtaken me this year for reasons I can’t explain. 

Lost opportunities? Regrets? 

Not really sure. 

While journeying back through time scouring for memories to add substance to the years left behind, I would often feel like my life had slowly slipped away and I couldn’t seem to recall what I had lost.

I have traveled to every state in the country except North Dekota.  Most of that travel took place in the late 1990’s early 2000’s. 

Every year I lose a little more of that journey. 

I know I went to Kansas, but I can’t remember when or why. 

I know I went here or there but the memories have gone as though never there to begin with.

Through my travels I have met thousands of people. 

Many of them I even called friends. 

Far too many have slipped beyond the edge and if not gone, the memories have faded beyond recognition.

Yes, I know what you are all thinking.

 It’s a part of aging to forget things and it’s only natural to have decades of experiences fade over time. 

Yes, it may be natural, and it may be an inevitable part of reaching the 4th quarter of this game we call life. 

But for the first time, this year, I became aware that …...

It was me! 

I am that 4th quarter player.

So, in the past year there have been many trips through the rear-view mirror. Some went well. Many were dead ends,

This year also saw an increased attention and focus on the future. 

With the Average American lifespan down slightly to 76.33 year, the time I have left before I am running on borrowed time seems frighteningly short compared to the years I have already stacked up.

16 years! 

Obviously, I could live longer and there is also a chance I might not make the 16. 

One never knows.

Again, this is nothing new and it is a natural part of aging that billions of people have experienced since time began.

But once again.

 This is now me. 

I am that person.

The past year has been a solid and healthy grounding you might say, a real look at the path I have made on this earth so far and a decision to look forward and contemplate how I want the next phase to go.  

The country artist Tim McGraw has a hit song “Live Like You Were Dying “. 

I would say that is sage advice for anyone no matter how old you are, as we never know how many days any of us have left.

But for me, entering the 4th quarter, 

I have decided to take that to heart.

How I got here doesn’t matter and the rearview mirror has been removed. 

There is only one path now and it is forward! 

Forward with a focus on making memories with family and friends! Making sure my loved ones know how much I love them, and making sure that when I am gone, my grandbabies smile every time they think of me!

Now that’s a set of goals worth working on!!

What makes you ............ you ?

 

So, I have known Doug Dunnevant for 40 years. 

He is married to Lisa’s 3rd (4th? I don’t know for sure) cousin Pam.

 Although we have known each other for a long time, I wouldn’t say we had any kind of a relationship or friendship over the years. 

 I would see him once a year at their family’s annual trip from Virginia to Dummers beach here in Maine throughout the 1980s and 1990s.

 It was a yearly camping get-together for them and Lisa’s family.

A few years ago, with the help of social media, Doug and I reconnected, mostly around our mutual love of writing and political debate.  

He has also developed a decent talent for fishing but that’s another story.

Doug is a successful Financial??? dude?? advisor?? Not sure of the exact title but he has a successful company and has done well for him and his family.

What many don’t know is that Doug is also an incredible writer.  

Yes, he has a daily Blog, but he has written 5 wonderful novels over the years, and I have had the privilege to have read them all. 

Actually, I guess it's 4 novels and a book about his parents. 

A few years ago, he asked me to give him my opinion on the starting chapter of a book he was thinking about writing. (he must have been desperate for advice) I read it and provided my feedback.

Little did I know what that would lead to. 

 Over the last few years, I have been fed 4 novels, one chapter at a time. Often with weeks to even months between chapters.  

I was able to watch each one develop from the mind of this great writer to the page in the original rough form.

I was able to watch the characters unfold, trying to anticipate where Doug would take them next and seldom was I correct.

To read a book as the author is creating it one chapter at a time has been a real source of enjoyment for me over the years. 

Certainly, it’s not the easiest way to read a book, but Doug would often share thoughts and struggles he was having along the way with plot twists or characters and watching how he worked through them was fascinating.

Yes, Doug is a successful Financial “guy”, but he is also a great storyteller!

 I wish you all had the chance to read his books, I know you would love them as much as I did!

 I think he does have 2 published. One actual book about his parents, in book form and he has one published for download…. I think.

But he has 5 incredible books that I know all of you “readers” would enjoy. Hopefully, you will get the chance someday!

I wasn’t planning on this story sounding like I had become his Publicist, but I felt like you needed some background to make this next part make sense.

Although he has begun a new book and of course it's great so far! 

 I received chapter 7 last night with a note indicating that it would be all for now as we go through the holidays! 

 There was a small part in the last book he wrote about a man who lost his memory that really stuck with me.  The man had no recall of his past life at all.

When I read it, I stopped and really thought about the words. I read it many times before moving on with the story.

It has been rolling around in my head ever since.

Here is what I feel is a very profound and powerful thing to think about as written in the book. 

“What is a human being if they are stripped of all 

memory?

 If the mind is emptied of thoughts and reflections of everything that had gone before, could it be said that man still exists?

Robbed of memories, human beings live without context, making them the loneliest creatures in the world.”

I would ask you to read it again and really understand what he is saying.

I don’t know why that resonated with me, but it did.

Are we all simply the sum of our life parts. 

Our personality, behaviors and attitudes formed by years of piled up memories and experiences creating the person we are today but not the person we will be tomorrow.

Does each day, each experience be it trauma or joy, slightly shape who we are and what we become?

And what if it was all taken away? What if we lost all memories? 

Would we still be the same person? 

Or would we start over with a new beginning and become something different based on experiences yet to come?

I don’t know, and I had never thought about it before until I read those words in Doug’s book. 

I would hate to think that “who” I am is based only on what’s in the rear-view mirror and what’s waiting for me on the road ahead.

But if Doug’s words are not true, then what truly makes us who we are? 

Certainly, something to think about!

What makes you………. You?

 Trash ??

They say one man’s trash is another man’s treasure.

 If you believe that to be true, I guess Lisa and I have been trash pickers for many years.

About 15 years ago Lisa asked me to spend some time on a small beach along the coast of Maine.

 We were on vacation and spending a day at the coast. 

Although my initial reaction was less than enthusiastic, I agreed, and we started scouring the beach for the small remains of someone’s discarded trash.

Hey, I found a small white one she said. Within a few minutes she had found several incredibly smooth and polished pieces of sea glass of assorted colors.

If you are not familiar with Sea Glass, it’s simple. 

Bottles, plates, jars, you name it. Almost any level of trash finds its way into our oceans. 

Over the years, decades and more, the ocean smashes and shapes the glass.

 The ocean's currents and waves combined with our rocky coastline round all the edges and smooth out the glass making a small gem for the finder, a gem that was once just trash discarded into the ocean. 

As if taking the bad it was given, the ocean turns it into something worth searching for.

Although I hesitantly began my search for sea glass 15 years ago, I will confess we go at least 2 to 3 times a year and I really enjoy it! 

We often spend a warm winter day walking on a beach looking down.

I have found glass of every color. Some that I know was once simply a beer bottle transformed into a small gem. Others I know are OLD and remnants of a day long gone by.

I have brown, green, white, clear, pink, purple, red, dark blue (like the old milk of magnesia bottles) and everything in between.

Most are white and brown but the thrill of finding a rare color is hard to explain. 

Although I know it’s just a piece of glass whose story I will never really know, it is a treasure and a delight to find those rare colors and imagine what the story behind each piece might be.

It’s a very fun hobby! 

The sad part to this story is that over the past 15 years Lisa and I have searched for Sea Glass on every stretch of beach we have visited along the Maine coast, and we have yet to fail to bring home treasures. 

Although we consider each piece a treasure to collect and save (see picture) it’s a testament to exactly how much glass trash there is in our Maine oceans. 

The good news for treasure seekers is that every coastal storm or every extreme high tide sweeps in potential new treasures waiting to be found. 

Pieces that have been cast about our ocean for who knows how long, waiting to be found and appreciated by someone who can see the treasure within the trash. 

In the pictures below, one is Lisas hand with a recent gathering from a beach near owl’s head light house. We visited Owl’s head last week and decided to try our luck at a beach nearby. 

It was about 30 minutes’ worth of searching for the two of us.

The other is what we have collected over the years in a Quart canning jar.

It is time to start a new jar!

Reset

We all have our way of resetting. 

Our unique way of pushing our internal reset button to start anew. 

You know what I mean, that safety mechanism that ensures our life doesn’t overwhelm us and takes our focus off what’s important in life. 

It’s both an emotional and a physical reset and for many of us it’s an important part of our year.

Some take a vacation to the beach. With toes in the sand and the waves slapping the shore, they allow the ocean to wash away their stress and recharge them for what future challenges may await.

Others visit large resorts and places like Disneyland. They like to enjoy nonstop fun and entertainment with a crowd of folks having the same experience.

Still others rent a camp on a lake and enjoy the relaxing and quiet experience that nature will share with you if you slow down long enough to enjoy.

Regardless of the style we choose, we all have our method we use to reset. If you don’t, GET ONE!

Years ago, I would have scoffed at the idea that I needed time to reset, I was in complete control, and I didn’t NEED to do anything. Running wide open, life was to be lived, “you can rest when you are dead.” I would say.

One of the benefits of age is wisdom, you eventually learn more about yourself as time goes on. 

You accept the good and the bad and just maybe, you try to limit the bad a little for the sake of others.

If you have followed my ramblings, you know that several years ago, I took a solo trip up north to spend a few days, Lisa was working and couldn’t get away. 

For the first time since we were married, I packed up my tent and all my camping gear and headed north.

At first, I felt a level of disappointment, even guilt, that I was heading to my favorite spot on the planet and Lisa wasn’t coming with me.

That was a fantastic trip! 

A trip that taught me something about myself that I either didn’t know or never took the time to acknowledge. 

That newfound knowledge was that I not only enjoy but need time away and I need that time alone. 

 Really alone!

Not just for a few hours or a day but days with only myself and my thoughts.

For three and a half days I saw only one other person on a hiking trail the last day . I nodded and said hello as we passed. 

I was surprised how crackly my voice had become having not used it for 3 days.

From sunrise till way after dark while sitting by the fire, my only companion was my thoughts. 

Many people are afraid to be alone with their thoughts, time allows things to float to the top that are otherwise suppressed by the hustle and bustle of life or by our own choosing.

I have gone back every year since. 

Each year the reset goes a little deeper and the man that returns to his life is hopefully, just a little better than he was before.

It has become my time to clear the mind and refresh the soul from all the challenges that life sets before me each year. 

Unfortunately, this year for reasons I care not share , I chose not to make the trip. 

When I made the decision not to go, I knew it was the right one and felt confident with my decision.

Although I still agree that this year just couldn’t happen, as summer fades there is a sadness and a tug in my heart that makes it clear.

 I will be there next year. 

I not only want to go,

 I need to go!

These pictures are from my first solo trip. 

A place my heart will always long to get back to.

Next year!

Voices from the past

 

“Look at the old Pier pilings! I wonder what was here?” Lisa said as we walked onto the beach.

Today we stopped at a small beach we have driven by dozens of times over the years. It’s only a couple of miles from the main road but our past journeys have always led us by without a thought of what we might be missing.

On this day we had time to kill as we needed to arrive at our hotel in Lubec no earlier than 3 pm.

This late check-in had me searching for places to stop that we had never been to before.

Our stop was Sandy Point beach in Stockton springs Maine.

I was
expecting a nice sandy beach with rocks and shells. The typical Maine beach.

I wasn’t wrong. Those things were all there just as expected.

What I didn’t expect was to see old pier pilings sticking out of the sand and the sea.

They were eroded by time and desperately trying to continue to tell the story they were placed there to tell.

“I don’t know” I said “but let’s go take a look.”

The more I looked it over, the more evident it was that it was not simply one structure, but several, built over a span of hundreds of years.

Some were close to the end of their story with rot and decay taking its toll, nature was reclaiming them.

Others much younger were still holding strong to their place in time.

The youngest even looked like an old concrete structure of some kind, barely visible protruding above the sand.

But what? A look around the beach and the surrounding shoreline gave no clue as to why this was constructed or how long it had been there.

As we walked along the beach, I continued looking at the structure, my imagination running wild trying to figure out what I was looking at.

Lisa on the other hand had a more important task, find Sea Glass.

Could we find any of the small treasures given up by the sea on this beach? Not sure but she was up to the challenge.

We left 30 minutes later with sea glass in hand, and a mystery that wasn’t leaving me anytime soon.

The more I drove the more I thought about the weathered and eroded sentinels standing tall in the sand yet appearing to serve no purpose but to ensure the past hasn’t completely faded away.

When I got home and I started looking at the pictures from our trip, the pier once again grabbed my imagination and the speculation began, What? Why? How? More importantly WHEN?

So, I started researching to try to tame the questions that were nagging at me.

Here is what I found. What is now just a few echoes from the past, was once a bustling and historic location throughout the late 1700’s right into the 1800’s and beyond.

This is a copy from an article about the history of Sandy point.

“Sandy Point was a mail route drop off site as early as 1793, During the 1800’s this beach was lined with shipyards that built three-mastered schooners.

During World War 1 the government also built four vessels for the war effort here. You can still see the parallel timbers embedded in the sand used to launch these massive ships into the bay.

Also visible during low tide is the wharf that once welcomed summer visitors by steamboat to Maine by way of the Boston-to-Bangor Packet.

The more prominent pilings are reminders that this beach was also the location of a fertilizer plant that operated from the mid-twentieth century until the 1970s.”

WOW !

My imagination could never have crafted such a story for this small patch of land and yet there it was!

You would never know standing on that beach looking at those old decaying pilings rising out of the sand, that this area was once so important!

I often wish I had the power to make the lifeless speak. What stories those pieces of wood could tell.

The hundreds of years they have been there silently watching the hands of time slowly ticking by.

The stories of the men working to build the three masted Schooners, or of the Mail delivered in the late 1700’s that came from where? and went to whom ?

Mighty Steamboats pulling up to her magnificent dock to unload those folks fortunate enough to be able to travel to Bangor from Boston in those early days for a vacation.

I’m sure it was the only way to get there at the time.

And what of the warships built along the shore and launched across the once mighty dock system? A dock that now stands as a mere skeleton of what it once was.

Where did they go? What battles were they in?

Yes, the stories we would hear about this very important beach over the past 250 years if only the ghosts of years gone by could spin their tales.

I can’t imagine all that took place on this small little beach over the past 250 years!

A beach that now sits silent, with only a few echoes of the past standing tall, echoes tempting us to listen closely to their story.

A story they so desperately want to tell so that we may not forget the remarkable things that took place on this quiet little beach.

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