Tracks?

Music has always been a very important part of my life. As an awkward teen who was not good at sports or high on the social ladder, music was something I could immerse myself in and feel good about.  I would sit in the basement of my childhood home with a set of old clunky headphones on while spinning vinyl after vinyl as time slowly slipped by. I knew every song and every lyric! My vinyl collection was impressive for sure! 

Music was almost a companion at times, something that was always there and could always be counted on no matter what was going on outside of the lyrics.

I never lost that love of music although it has changed over time.  I now listen to all kinds of music and enjoy it all. 

Although I like all music there are some musicians I do not care for.  One of those artists is Bruce Springsteen. The Boss!   I am not sure why, but I just never cared for his music and for the most part do not listen to him still today. I will even change the channel when he is on instead of listening, it’s that bad. 

This morning while heading to work, his song “one step up” came on.   That song is one of the few songs he sings that I enjoy so I left it on the station and drove on.

I have heard this song hundreds of times over the decades since it was written.  It’s a song about the struggles of being in love and maintaining a healthy relationship. In the song, clearly things are not going well. 

It is well written, and I love the way the lyrics and the melody work together. It is a good song for sure!

This morning something was different.  As I listened and sang along with the lyrics “When I look at myself, I don't see the man I wanted to be, somewhere along the line I slipped off track.” A line I have heard and sung many times. Yet this morning it stuck. Why?

 Music often does that to me. Nothing elicits more emotions in me than music.  Good, bad or somewhere in between.  Music can trigger emotional responses that clearly, I do not understand, nor can I explain. It can make me feel happy, it can make me feel young again and it can even bring a tear to the corner of my eye at times.

So, I started thinking about that line as I drove through the foggy morning and why it hit me today?.  Did I have a track?  Did I slip off?   What was my track and how do I know if I have been a success or a failure?  How far did I slip, and did I ever get back on track if I did slip?

So, as I drove on, I started looking back in the rear-view mirror of my life.

I never went to college. Yes, I attended trade school (one year of a two-year course) and learned to become a carpenter but I have no degree.  When I look at the focus or (track) I had as a young man, clearly my goal was to become “someone”!  To make a name for myself! To prove I could be successful without the education everyone around me had or was getting. It became an obsession that I did not realize at the time nor did I plan.

How did I do with this life track? Well, actually pretty good. 

 While at BIW I became a full time 110-ton double block bridge Crane operator and rigger while having no formal heavy equipment training or experience. Not an easy task.

What about my time at Mead Paper Company? Another great success. With no collage education I managed to secure a role within the safety field leading the implementation of a groundbreaking behavioral based safety process. After spending a couple years doing that, I was offered a Job within the Human Resource department as an Organizational Development Facilitator. 

Really? Again, no education no training.  My success there lead to an appointment on a corporate reengineering project which found me flying around the country each week. Spending days/weeks away from my family. 

I had assignments in Escanaba Michigan, Chillicothe Ohio, Dayton Ohio, Phoenix City Alabama, and Rumford Maine. I ended up having a condo in Phenix city for 18 months where I would fly down on Mondays and TRY to get home for the weekend.  I guess I was clearly on track with my goal to be “Somebody”. I was working within a corporate level project for MEAD Paper Company! I was “someone”!

As I sat at home one rare morning drinking coffee, I got a phone call. Bass Angler Sportsman’s Society in Montgomery Alabama was calling.  The worldwide leader of bass fishing tournaments and all things bass fishing.  They had an interest in me leading their worldwide membership organization.  2400 organizations within the United states and 6 foreign countries. Wow! Now that is SOMEBODY!!  A one of kind role with a worldwide presence.  I will take it!

This “track” to become “someone” took from 1986 to 2000 when the offer came in and the family’s bags were packed for Montgomery Alabama.

 If you look at it through the lens of becoming “someone” I had been a smashing success! 

With no formal education I had achieved levels of success, acquired positions, and I been given opportunities I clearly did not deserve nor did I earn if you take your measurement through the academic process that normally governs successful careers.  No MBA, No masters. Zippo! 

Success at being “somebody”??  Absolutely! 

But at what cost? 

 Late hours at work.  Years on the road. Missed birthday parties and events for my kids. A wife going to bed alone and tired after a hard day doing her best to raise boys while I traveled. Oh by the way while still working full time. 

There was love that was never made. Hugs that were never given and tears that were never dried.

A Delta frequent flyer account that hit 187,000 miles. Yes! I was first on every plane I flew on.

 Truly a high price to pay just to be “somebody”.

What about the husband track? Father track????  

Sadly, epic fail! 

In 2003 it all came tumbling down.  BASS had been purchased by ESPN and they had new ideas of what they wanted to do and how they wanted to do it. My resistance to change and my stubborn drive to do what “I” thought was right cost me EVERYTHING I had worked so hard to attain. 

On July 7, 2003 I was fired from ESPN for “not supporting the new mission". I went from a six-figure income to Alabama unemployment of $243 dollars a week for a family of 4.

I went from being “somebody” a BIG “somebody”, traveling, meeting with presidents (had lunch with the president of Mexico at the time, President Vicente Fox, which was cool!) and foreign dignitaries. I went from being well known and recognized within the bass fishing world, to working part time at a local hardware store and tackle shop. 

My “Somebody” the “Someone“ I had put so much time into, sacrificed so much for and put so much value on, was gone! 

At that point, my track switched to survival.  “All” I had left was the things I had placed such little time and value into over the years. A loving, faithful, and patient wife, my healthy kids, and my own health.  MY definition of “SOMEBODY” was gone in the blink of an eye.

Survival track it was, and survive we did. New jobs, rearranged budgets and a sense of humility and focus on family that had been missing for so many years. 

It was truly the best thing that could have ever happen to me! 

It took a few years for us to get back to being comfortable again as the world defines comfortable, but we made it.

Survival track? Success!

What is my current track? A question I had not thought about until this morning. 

Well, I guess it can be summed up with one word.   “Good”.  

 I have transitioned from survival track, to a track of wanting to be good.

I want to be a good husband.

I want to be a good Dad, a good Grandpa

a good son, 

a good friend. 

A good father-in law 

I want to give good hugs. 

I want to make people laugh when I can.

I want to make people smile and think with my writing.

And when I lay down beside my wife each night, I want to feel good about the current “track” I am on.

How am I doing on this current track? Not sure? Progress is usually better judged looking back.  Somedays I think I am headed in the right direction, other days I’m looking in the rear-view mirror of life thinking “if only”.

So, I guess when I look in the mirror, who I see is someone who has had many “tracks” in his life. Some ended well. Others not so much!

 If I could go back and make one change, one change that could alter the course of my life. One change that would reset the tracks I would take in that life.

 I would simply replace one word in my life. 

Just one word!

I would replace the word “somebody” With the word….

 “Good”