4 Days?

 So, I am pretty good at celebrating my wife of 34 years, I mean I NEVER forget our anniversary, (that’s because it's on my birthday, yup, I planned that one out perfectly years ago! Wink Wink). I always remember to make a special deal out of valentine’s day, chocolate is always a nice and welcomed touch. Her birthday always brings forth a surprise and of course the granddaddy of them all Christmas. I LOVE doing things special for Christmas!  I am more of the, buy a whole bunch of unique little gifts kinda guy, rather than one big gift. Although last year I broke that mold and bought her a heated jacket for winter. Which she loves by the way.  This thing even has a preheat mode!  

 I pride myself as a hubby that never misses the socially mandated, commercially driven days to celebrate your significant other.

Often, she is envied by officemates when flowers arrive at the office for one of these “special” days.  I even throw in a “just because” celebration every now and again. What a great husband am I!! ....................... really???? So, let's see, Birthday, Valentines, Christmas, Wedding Anniversary…… So that’s 4 days a year I go out of my way to celebrate the most important person in my life. Oh ya and a few just because efforts!! Hhhhmmmmm???? Hitting all the societal milestones says I’m a great husband, wonderful caring partner! I have made it the pinnacle of husbandry! What more could she ask for? I know right !! I am sure there are significant others out there that would be happy to reach that milestone. To have what she has!! 

She leans into the mirror as she brushes her teeth. Her hand raises to gently follow and investigate a new wrinkle, a wrinkle that apparently wasn’t there yesterday as she seems to just notice it.  She longs for the days gone by when the mirror held no surprises. 

As we walk through the store she stops to look at clothes, she checks the tag for the size. As she looks it over she eventually puts it back with a somewhat sad look on her face.  Time has changed the number on the tags she now wears. She works diligently to stay looking young. Much harder than she really needs to. At her stage in life, she has a youthful look most her age are envious of.  Yet inside she feels the tug to hold on to what youth graced her with and time is trying to steal. 

Oh, and let's not talk about gravity. Peaches have become pears, perky becomes…well …...saggy and time and gravity become foes worth fighting daily.  A battle she knows she can’t win.

For over 35 years she has held tightly to the love that binds us. The more I pushed and strained that grip, the tighter she held. There is no doubt over the 35 years there were times she should have walked away. No one would have blamed her for giving up. At times she must have felt like she was the only one that cared, the only one trying to keep our world together. A level of lonely I can only imagine. It's sad looking back what foolish things we can do to the ones we love the most. 

 By far she has been the anchor, the glue that held our family together. Selflessly raising 2 boys at a cost only she knows.  Too many times a battle fought alone as work kept me away. She gave up everything to make sure her family had what they needed. We always came first and still do.  Never did I see the tears, yet I know they must have flowed. I imagine at the end of many a long day fighting with teenage boys while working full time and desperately trying to keep the house together. I am sure they ran and stained her beautiful cheeks as no one was there to wipe them away. But hold on she did. Never letting go. Never giving up!

4 days and a few thrown in for good measure, seems not only ridiculous but embarrassing, wouldn’t you say? 

I should be celebrating her every day! She should hear how beautiful she is every day! How gravity and wrinkles are not a sign of defeat at the hands of time, but a sign of victory for a battle well fought and a reward truly earned. Her beauty only grows as time opens each new chapter in our life together. But I have to tell her! 

The number on the tag doesn’t matter! The mirror reflects the beauty of the age gained gracefully, not the loss of the youth! She still takes my breath away every day as I see her walking my way. Why did I stop telling her? 

 I don’t have enough days left to celebrate all she has given me!  To cover the debt of all she has sacrificed over the years I will never live to see.  Even if I live to be 100, nothing I could do would repay the sacrifices made and the tears lost. 

But I will try to even the score just a little. I will replace as many tears from the past with smiles of the future and lonely nights with joyful memories.   I will make sure she knows she is perfect just as she is and beautiful beyond words and I will make sure she never forgets!  No I can never even the score  but I will spend what days I have left trying.

Who should you be celebrating daily? Who do you take for granted? Why not start today, celebrating those who deserve more than 4 days a year.

 So they say you can never go back……. "things will never be the same"…….. they say. "It’s best to not even try and save yourself the disappointment," they say.

  Well for the most part "they" are probably right.  You certainly can’t go back. Time quietly slips by while we barely notice it’s passing, minutes become hours, which turn into days and eventually years. Quietly slipping by until one day you realize just how much of it you've lost.

Although they may be right and you cannot go back, you can, however, revisit old memories and allow your mind to bring you back in time to a place you once knew.

It was 36 years ago the first time I stood on this rock overlooking this beautiful trout stream.  For the most part, little has changed over the decades since my first visit.  Yes, the trees that line the brook are bigger but it is just as I remember it to be all those years ago. The crystal clear water meanders and loudly babbles its way over rocks as it swiftly makes its way to its downstream destination. As I stood there soaking in the beauty of this place, I let my mind wander back to a day so long ago. Same rock, same stream, the same feeling of wonder at the beauty stretched out before me. The beauty of this place remains unchanged! Maybe you can go back! Maybe “they” were wrong I thought to myself! What do “they” know anyway!! This all seems so familiar! Like it was just yesterday I had discovered it for the first time!

As I glance over the water’s surface, fishing pole in hand, trying to predict where the best trout would be hiding, my eyes catch the image of my reflection on the smooth water’s surface. Although time may have stood still for my surroundings, it was clear in what was looking back at me, that time truly had raged forward. Where 36 years ago stood a slender, young man with the world at his feet. Now stood an aging man weathered by time and a far cry from the figure that first looked into that same pool.  I stare at my reflection as if I were looking at a painting. As if it were a glimpse into the future and not the result of times relentless progression. For a brief moment, I am lost, wedged somewhere between the memories of yesteryear and the sobering reality looking back at me. Soon I smile at the figure looking back from the water. A smile filled with a lifetime of adventures, a life lived well and a life with few regrets.  

Oh, what I could tell that young man of years ago. The adventures we were about to go on and the memories we would make. If I had told him that day so long ago, that we would remember for decades what lay before us and how important that place would become to us, I am sure of his response. 

No, you can’t go back and I guess in many ways that may be a good thing.   If we could, what things would we miss as time passed us by while we held on tightly and blindly to yesterday?  What would we miss while looking back?

Never forget yesterday,  try to live fully in each today and always look forward to the adventures that may await you in whatever tomorrows you may have left.  Time will surely pass no matter what we do. So make it a priority to make memories as often as you can, memories that the future you will long to look back on!

I Love You, Good Night

 So Saturday is our anniversary. We have been married 34 years! Doesn't seem possible but the calendar doesn't lie.  I am returning today from a 3 day camping trip to the north woods. A trip far away from civilization and the things that distract us from what is important in life. 

This trip was a unique trip for me. Although I have been to this area countless times over the years, it was my first solo trip camping. Just me and my tent . I have gone with a couple other fishermen over the years but for the most part my partner in all things outdoors has been my wife.

 For 34 years (and a few before we got married) Lisa has been by my side on almost every adventure into the wildness. She has climbed mountains, forged freezing cold streams and slept in the rain many times over the years. We have explored countless miles of streams, discovered secret places few have gone and hiked into many remote trout pond to try our luck.  

Through the good and the bad she has been by my side gladly taking on any adventure I could dream up and there have been many over the years.   So why a solo trip this time ? Well life has unfairly put us in a situation where I have much more vacation time per year than Lisa. Unfair for sure! But they are the cards we have been dealt currently so we will make the best of it. I decided this week to take a few days and go north to one of my favorite northern locations. It was actually the location Lisa and I went on our honeymoon.  Yes she tented in northern Maine on her honeymoon. That is love folks !  

I was excited to discover after several hours of driving on dusty, dirt logging roads, there was no one there! I had the entire end of the lake to myself!  There is only 2 remote campsites on this end of the lake and lucky for me I was alone !  I quickly set up camp and set off exploring more of the area that is such a special place to me ! 

It was a wonderful three days, although rather buggy with the black flies and mosquitos in full force . I climbed mountains , hiked streams and took an 8 mile round trip hike into a waterfall I have known about for years and always wanted to see.

 The falls had to be 100 feet high and nestled deep in a large water carved gorge boarder with sheer cliffs equally as high. It was a trick to get down into the base of the falls for this aging adventurer, even with a well marked trail . I was able to catch many  brook trout and salmon at its base so It was well worth the hike.   

This trip was almost perfect ! Almost ..... The only thing was my partner of 34 years was silently missing from my side.  

You are probably wondering about the picture.  First a little of the back story. For 34 years Lisa and I kiss each other every night and say "I love you good night" as we climb into bed . we have been together for 34 years and it's been the same chorus each night.

  As the sun set that first night the absence of foot prints in the sand beside me, footprints that had been there so many times before and the solitude of the location made me strongly aware that I was missing my partner!  

I took that picture with the hopes that I could find a mountain top high enough to get a little  signal on my cell phone , maybe from a tower in Millinocket if I was lucky , just enough signal was all I was hoping for so I could send it off with the the words . "I love you good night"  and nothing more. Unfortunately it wasn't meant to be.  I whispered those words as the sun went down but no signal was found. 

I had a wonderful trip and unless things change with Lisa's work I will be making more solo trips north. But be assured every night as the sun goes down she will know that no matter where I am and what I am doing, signal or not, I will be quietly whispering into the still of the north maine woods. "I love you , good night" 

Happy 34 Lisa Crooker Smith ! Oh how I love you !

Fay Ervin Towle

 Fay Ervin Towle

To say Fay  was a mountain of a man would be an understatement! His towering frame made my 6 foot 2 inches seem small in comparison.  His face and hands were rough and weathered from a lifetime of working outside!  When I met Fay he had already spent 60 years enjoying life! His life was one challenge after another in find things that fit his massive frame! Mostly he would have to adapt things to make them work. He was a machinist by trade and extremely clever at adapting and building things to fit his needs ! He couldn’t find long john’s ( winter long underwear to keep you warm) long enough to fit so his wife Doris would buy two pair so she could cut the top 10 inches off one pair and sew it onto the other. His feet were so big winter boots were impossible to find. I asked him one day what size they were and he laughed and said he didn’t really know.  Doris would buy the biggest set of rubber high top  galoshes she could find  and sew him felt insoles to put inside. These were his winter boots!

He was so tall when he sat on his Ski-doo he head towered above the windshield so what did Fay do ? He added a 12 inch piece of clear plexi-glass to the top of the windshield to protect his face from the elements! He had spent a lifetime adapting the world to his majestic size.

His massive hands would wrap around mine as if mine were not even there. Yet being aware of his size and strength his handshakes were always light and gentle.

I met Fay and his wife sometime in the early 1980’s. They were winter caretakers for a set of cabins Lisa and I used to frequent every winter when we needed a respite from life’s challenges. 

We spent 4 maybe 5 winters visiting, fishing and getting to know Fay and Doris. One week each year .   A couple winters it was just the 4 of us enjoying the Camps.

Fay had a small problem with laws. Especially fishing and hunting laws.  His problem was he didn’t follow them!  He wasn’t a huge poacher filling his freezer with fish. He only took what he needed and never wasted anything but felt government had gotten too carried away with telling him how he could fish and hunt. 

Fay always had a smile on his face  and would do his best to put one on you ! A true gentle giant if there ever was one ! 

The local Game warden did not share my respect for Fay ! He and Fay had an ongoing cat and mouse game with said Warden doing everything he could to catch Fay breaking fishing laws.  This Warden was obsessed with Fay as his illegal activities were well known around those parts. I remember on one cold night in February about 2 Am I woke to the sound of a snowmobile coming across the brightly moonlight lake. The temp was well below zero and I couldn’t for the life of me figure out who would be out so far away from civilization on this frigid night. Well it was our old Warden friend racing in to try to catch Fay leaving his ice traps out all night on the lake (which was a violation).   To the wardens frustration  the holes hadn’t frozen much but the traps had been removed. Fay had gotten up in the middle of the night and taken them in somehow knowing he might get a visit from his old adversary. Needless to say the warden was angry and sputtering as he headed back to town cold and unsuccessful!

That is just one example of a game that went on for decades between those two. Sometimes Fay was the victor sometimes the warden!  

I lost track of my friend when life put an end to our yearly trips to the camps.  I have thought of him often over the years and always wondered how he was doing. His soft caring personality and lust for laughter is something I will never forget.  

I was doing a google search the other day hoping to find out any news of my old friend. I finally found what I was looking for yet saddened at the outcome. My friend had died in an ATV accident at his home in 2011. He was 85.  The Obituary read as follows. “Fay loved  hunting, fishing, gardening and telling stories. He also loved to make people laugh”   And that he did!

I spent many hours in the north Maine woods listening to his stories of life and his many adventures.  Although I am deeply saddened by the fact that I never stayed in touch with Fay, I am forever thankful for the one week each year we spent together in the frozen north woods! 

Fay Ervin Towle  (May 2,1925 –April 29, 2011)

Away, Really Away !

 As I sit and look out the window of our small and humble cabin the snow has started to fall on the wilderness landscape. Mt Nesuntabunt towers to the right of our cabin as our lake follows along its base to the south. Our lake for the week is not very big,  maybe a half mile wide and 6 miles long. Deep and cold it’s great for ice fishing which is part of our plan for the week. 

The weather man out of Millinocket who is barely understandable from the static filled battery operated radio struggling to pull in the distant signal , he claims it hasn’t quite reached 0 degrees yet and its almost noon!  It sounded like he said low over night about -25! I will have to be extra diligent with the wood stove tonight! He did say we would get a reprieve from the cold tomorrow and it should hit mid-teens. Tomorrow we will try to snowmobile to the next pond over. I hear the ice fishing is good there! 

The air is still and crisp as the tiny flakes of snow slowly make their way to the ground. The snow is falling so slowly it almost looks like it’s in slow motion as it makes it way to the resting place of the ones who came before. 

As I strain to peer through the falling snow  I see a dark small figure down the lake moving out from the shadows of the shoreline and making its way across the snow covered ice. Although I am too far away to see exactly what it is I know from the shape and color it is a coyote making its way to the other side of the lake. A welcome guest in the retreat from “Our” reality. 

A quick glance at the old couch reassures me that my new wife is still napping as the time slowly passes in our own private paradise.

We are alone in our vacation cabin. The type of “alone” most folks never get to experience!  We are the only humans on the entire lake. The closest plowed road is 35 miles by snowmobile. The closest town is nearly 100 miles away.  Closest human? Could be 50 miles or more as the crow flys.  You see alone takes on a new meaning when you are in the North Maine woods. 

Our humble cabin has no electricity, no running water . We heat with an old wood stove and a pile of seasoned wood stacked against the outside of our late 1800’s log cabin. The stove casts shadows and flickers of light all around our one room cabin from the holes that have formed in its old and tired frame. At night our old stove casts a light show that can sooth one to  sleep in no time !  We do have the luxury of propane lights and a propane stove to cook with. And yes the outhouse trips are quick and calculated when the mercury hits negative numbers for those already wondering!

We won’t see another human for 8 days, no  phones, . no alarm clocks ,no meetings, no commitments, no deadlines , no responsibilities. Simple existence at its purest form!   We packed our way in with snowmobiles and sleds and we will pack our way out when we leave. No help, no support. No one to call if things go wrong, no one to help if life throws you an unexpected challenge.  Alone!

It was 1985,  Lisa and I deep in the North Maine woods. It was a cold  February week In a cabin far from civilization. 

A peace few understand today!  A calm few ever experience. Oh to look out that window again!

 Who should you be friends with?

So I have this friend. 

To say she and I are different would be an understatement. As I sit here and write I am trying to find one thing that we agree on. Politics? Heavens no! We have opposite views on just about everything political! From policies to candidates we are totally at odds! You can be assured if she supports something I am opposed and vice versa. Election years are filled with banter, debates and all out political wars!

Now politics is not the only place we separate on the road of life! She is a HUGE animal lover! She has many pets and treats them with all the love and respect she can muster! I rate animal based on their gravy factor! What’s the Gravy factor you ask? Simple,  which ones taste better with gravy! I believe most animal are made for food not pets! Boy have we had some debates over that issue. She has a small farm just to raise and love the animals. I think it’s a waste of good meat not to eat them!

She has a generous heart and believes in helping everyone who needs it. I believe folks should be able to take care of themselves and make their own way! 

She lives an alternative lifestyle to mine, one that I don’t understand and one that I am sometimes at odds with!

You see we agree on very little!......well  except music ! She has great taste in music!! (By the way did you give me back my Pink Floyd cd I lent you in 2012? )

So really we have almost NOTHING in common, Politics, lifestyle, belief structure, and value systems are at times all at odds with each other!  So how can we be friends?  For all intensive purposes the world would tell us we shouldn’t be! We should be enemies divided by ideological differences! Enemies pitted against each other at every step of the way!  Opposites sides of the ballot box, opposite sides of the protest lines, opposite sides of just about everything!   Yet friends we are! I have very few real friends in the world but she is one of them.  So how?  It’s actually really easy and extremely hard!

I think early on in our relationship we both unconsciously (for me anyway) made a decision that we liked each other.  I won’t speak for her but I know I grew to like the PERSON she was. Not her beliefs, not her political views, not her choice of life styles or her religious views. I really liked HER. The person she was. I made a choice not to let the differences stand in the way of a friendship! I had to learn quickly (not easy for me) to agree to disagree and REALLY MEAN IT!  I learned not to judge her or try to change her way of thinking no matter how far removed from my own it was. I mean come on ducks are for eating!!!! ( sorry )  I learned to respect her point of view even if I didn’t share it!

You see there are all the reasons in the world for us NOT to be friends but only one reason TO BE. We chose to be! 

We chose to value the PERSON in each other not the rest of those defining factors that too often divide us as a society ! 

So who should you be friends with? If all of your friends share your same beliefs, values and opinions.  If they all look like, act like and think like you do . 

All I can say is boy are you missing out! 

Being nice is a choice, being friends is a choice.  What will you chose?

But I still think ducks are for eating ! 

Miss you DH

Happy 31

31 years ago today I married the most beautiful girl in the world! At that time I thought I loved her more than anything! Little did I know what real love was all about!  I had no idea what it truly meant to love someone! To care for someone so deeply you can’t even imagine life without them. A love so strong nothing else can stand between you.  I THOUGHT I knew what love was all about but boy did I have a lot to learn !

At that time I couldn’t imagine the joy that was to come! Nor the pain and struggles we would go through in our life together. As the years passed we have had more than our fair share of both! 

  I often hear people say that a marriage is a 50/50 proposition, with each side giving 50 percent to make a marriage work.  After 31 years of marriage I have to disagree with that. I think it take 100% from each partner. As I look back over the years there were times when Lisa truly held our marriage together. She sacrificed much to keep the wheels on our family !  At times  she was giving 100% to keep our family going! There were also  times when I did. I don’t think that’s wrong I just think it’s how it works.  In the life of every relationship there will be times when one partner will be carrying more of the relationship load. May not be fair, may not be what the self-help gurus preach but from my experience it’s what seems to happen.  

The hope is by the time you both come to the end of life and the relationship slips away into the  memories of the loved ones left behind , the hope is that folks look at your relationship and say  “ boy they really loved and supported each other over the years!“

Lisa you have carried way to much weight over the last 31 years and I love you more than I can ever say! Sit back and take it easy I got the next 31! 

I Love you Lisa Crooker Smith!

30 Years

 30 years ago today it was pouring down rain on what was the most important day of my life. Although I didn’t realize just  how important it would end up being, I knew while in the moment, it was a big day! You see I was about to marry the most beautiful girl God had ever put on this earth. Everything had to be perfect so how could it rain on our special day!?!?!  Well rain it did and on went the wedding anyway. I will never forget looking into her eyes as we stood there in front of a church full of our loved ones.  How was it possible that someone so beautiful was marrying me?!  It didn’t seem real yet there it was happening and I was scared to death and as happy as I could be all at the same time!

I can’t believe that was 30 years ago today, I can still remember standing in the church looking out at the rain wishing it would stop!  Boy the lessons we have learned since that day and how we have grown to love the rain!

I am sure when Lisa agreed to marry me she had no Idea the journey we would travel over the next 30 years!  I want to share just a few highlights.

Since we were married we have: (in no particular order) 

Bought our first home. A one room shack, No running water, on a lake with an old telephone booth for an outhouse. Oh ya no door on the outhouse! Baths? In the lake!  Stayed till first of November! Yes October baths were quick! (This should have been her first clue to RUN AWAY QUICKLY)

She gave me 2 terrific boys 

We moved 14 times.

Bought 7 Homes 

Lived in 7 rentals

Bought 19 vehicles 

Lived in 3 states (Maine to Alabama, Alabama to Pennsylvania, Pennsylvania back to Maine, Maine back to Alabama)

I have had 18 different jobs 

Lisa has had 13 different jobs

4 Dogs

4 cats

1 ferret (don’t ask!) 

Millions of smiles and laughs

A few tears along the way. (Mostly my fault)

So you see 30 years ago today I married the most beautiful girl in the world! Since than life has been a wonderful journey thanks to her love and understanding, and patience did I mention patience!   I can’t wait to see what the next 30 years will bring!  I love you Lisa !