How?

36 years ago, on this day in June my life changed forever.  In a ceremony that to me sadly, was not much more than a formality at the time. Something I “had” to do to get on with my life.

 I married Lisa Crooker on June 2, 1984.

She was all I ever wanted and all I ever needed but it would be years before I figured that out.  All I knew at the time was that she was beautiful, sexy and I thought I was in love with her. (Oh, how little I knew about real love)

It would be many years before I knew just how much she completed me. How she softened my edges, cooled my temper and rained in my crazy ideas. 

Years before I knew she provided the stability I needed in my life to be happy and years before I truly knew what love was and how much I really did love her!

She would become my best friend without my even realizing it.

She has quietly sacrificed so much for me and has never gotten or expected a thank you for her efforts.

She wanted to go to college for computer science right after high school, but I wouldn’t wait. I had a life to live and if she wanted to be with me it was time to move forward. I would not be tied down to any collage, town or schedule. So, she gave up her desire to go to collage and we were off. Something I truly regret taking from her.

When a Job in Alabama called after 16 years of marriage and it was a great opportunity for “ME”, she gave up her career and her life in Maine and we moved the family 1400 miles to middle Alabama. A sacrifice she made with no hesitation or complaint. She left behind lifelong friends and family so I could follow a dream. A dream that faded just 3 short years later.

While I chased a career so I could “make a name for myself” she selflessly stayed home and raised our two boys. I would spend weeks on the road while she worked a job, took care of the kids and kept the house going. Some years I would be on the road up to 200 nights a year. 

“I” had the pleasure of traveling to every state in the United States except North Dakota, all the providences of Canada and Mexico within a short three-year span.

 I did all this while she sat at home fighting with teenage boys and silently dealing with the loneliness caused by my absence.

The nights I was not there to hold her were many! Too many nights she had to struggle alone to make it all work, while I enjoyed life on the road seeing some of the best places in America. Sleeping in high priced hotels and eating at the best of restaurants around this country. 

So I ask you how?

In 36 years, she has been laid off once from a job. I have had 19 jobs!   I have gone home 4 times with a pit in my stomach to give the news that my job had been eliminated and I was unemployed. I have gone home twice with the embarrassment of having to say I had been fired and our income was now cut in half overnight. 

Through all the years of upheaval and change she still made the budget work and we never missed a payment and never fell behind. 

So I ask you how?

She never blamed me for the turmoil I brought into our life together, and boy there was a lot of it over the years.  She accepted it and made the best of it. If she resented the upheaval and the chaos that seemed to follow me at times. I never new it, I never heard it.

We have lived in 3 different states in at least 11 different houses and 4 different apartments. She made each one a warm and loving home for us.

We went from Maine to Alabama, Alabama to Pennsylvania, Pennsylvania to Maine, Maine back to Alabama, and finally Alabama back to Maine ! (Oh how I have learned to pack a moving truck !) 

You see if there is one thing I bring to this 36-year love affair, it is the element of the unknown.  What now? when? Where?  

Good or bad I seem to be drawn to the element of change. Maybe I get bored, maybe I am just not satisfied with an “average” life. I really do not know what drives my desire to always be on the go but I am. 

Some change caused by me, some thrust upon us! Yet through it all she remains right beside me.

That is the one thing I can always depend on, the fact that Lisa will always be by my side. She will always be there to love and support me. To protect me from myself and lift me up to accomplish what I can. 

So, I ask you again........ How?  

How do you thank someone like that? What tribute is befitting such a level of commitment and sacrifice?

How do you ever repay the years of love, support, kindness and understanding she has brought to our life together.

 How?

How do you thank someone who provided years of love you did not deserve; support you did not earn and forgiveness you did not asked for?

How? 

Happy Anniversary Lisa, I love you!

And yes, 

Thank you!

 Mr. Peeps!

This story is almost a year old.

I wanted to write about it before now but just never got around to it. I think the new life that spring bring to us inspired me to put this story together.

Until August of last year, Lisa and I had our camper at Dummers Beach in weld Maine. Our seasonal site was along the brook that led into the pond. It was a great location as we could sit at our lot and had direct access to the brook that slowly flowed by. My chair was often feet from the brook.

When I first saw Mr. Peeps he was with his mother and little brother. No, I don’t know for sure either of them were boys but it’s my story, so I get to decide.

I knew Mr. Peeps and could always pick him out of a ducky crowd because unlike other ducks he had a small white patch on the side of his head.

I was never close enough to be able to see what it was, but it was how I identified him. That and he was also ALWAYS peeping, Peep, Peep, Peep!

Not only was he always last in the line of ducks with mom and brother leading him, he seemed to be always falling behind. A fact that only increased the peeping that came from Mr. Peeps.

The brook we camped by was a great place for a mama ducks to raise their ducklings. There must have been 5 or 6 families swimming up and down the brook each day. Some with up to 4 or 5 ducklings.

They grew fast as the weeks went on, but nothing changed. Our brook was full of duck families and one was always Mr. Peeps and his mom and brother.

When we would arrive at the camper from being away, I would always check out the brook and see who was there. By early July the Ducklings were about half the size of their momma’s.

We had been gone on a camping trip to Lubec Maine for a long weekend. When we got back to the camper something was different. The duck families were doing their usual swimming up and down the brook, but this time Mr. Peeps was alone? No mom? No brother? Mr. Peeps just went up and down the brook loudly peeping, in my mind, looking for his family. A family who clearly was not there.

As I watched Mr. peeps for the next couple of weeks he would try to merge in with one of the other families but unfortunately none would have him. They would always scurry off leaving him alone, peeping loudly as they left him behind.

Mr. Peeps never stopped peeping but finally gave up on trying to find a new family to join.

The last time I saw Mr. Peeps he was the size of an adult duck. He was still swimming up and down the stream and he was still peeping, only now it was a quack, an adult quack.

Although he never found that surrogate family, I knew he was going to be alright. He had grown into a full-size duck and with all indications was healthy.

I do not know what happen to mom and brother. It’s a wild area and I have my suspicions, but I cannot be sure.

Depending on your outlook on life, this story is either a terrible tale about of the cruelty of life and the pain it can bring. Its about lose, loneliness, and the worst of what can happen in life.

OR

It is the story of triumph and the strong desire to survive of a little duck. A duck that beat the odds and survived to become an adult.

I choose to believe in the triumph and strong desire to live angle.

I hope this spring he has a family of his own and he teaches them how to .............PEEP !

Why?

 And that's why !

“I read about this waterfall on the stream that runs by the cabin. There is no path to it. We can drive to within a mile of the falls and then hike the rest of the way. It’s only a mile into the falls, you want to see if we can find it!” I asked knowing what the answer would be  “Sure!” she said without hesitation.

Fast forward 2 hours and we are deep into some of the toughest terrain we have ever hiked .  The ground was steep and rocky. There was no trail and I was trying to pick my way along the best I could.  We would go through areas so thick you just had to lean forward and push the small trees out of the way. Then we would be on a hillside so steep we could barely stand up. By all accounts it was miserable hiking. 

Now I am 6 foot 2 inches tall and Lisa is 5 foot 2 inches tall. I always have to remember her legs are about half as long as mine as we do any hiking. I had to make sure I was taking it slow so she could keep up.

Every so often I would say “You making it?”     All I would hear coming from a few feet behind was a labored voice saying “YUP” as cheerfully as she could muster. 

I knew this was hard on us both, we are not young anymore and even at 25 this would have been a challenge, but on we trudged. GPS in hand and end goal plotted.

I remember thinking to myself “boy this waterfall better be good” as we slowly worked up and down the side of the mountain trying to reach our destination.

When we finally got there my heart sank as I pushed through the thick alders and could see the falls.

 It was MUCH smaller than I thought.  CRAP! I thought!! 

 Lisa made it through the alders and looked at the falls.

 I waited for what seemed like minutes for the “REALLY!” this is what I killed myself to get to?? I have new bruises and scratches and I took a chunk out of my leg and I’m bleeding, FOR THIS ??? ” and she would have been right and justified for her frustration.

But although all of that was true, and she was bleeding. She looked at the falls and said, “Isn’t that pretty!”   

THAT is exactly why I love her so much!  She always sees the best in every situation. Instead of focusing on the nightmare we went through to get there ( and what we needed to go BACK through to get back to the truck) she saw the beauty of the moment and sat on the rocks to soak it in.

How I got so lucky I will never know!

 The Lake

As I look over, I can see her hand tightly gripping the door handle. She literally has a white-knuckle grip on the door.  We just slid about a foot to the left as we try to make our way up the steep trail . A trail that was a gravel road and is now covered with snow and the snow is getting deeper as we drive on. I can see her body is very tense and she is not liking life right now.  

Don’t worry as soon as I can find a spot I’ll turn around. As I look over there is both relief and an immediate easing of the tension that she was feeling. Like the flip of a light switch my announcement that the journey was over was welcomed!

Let’s go back 6 hours to earlier in the day.  As we drink coffee and I watch the local news another day of stress is starting to build , another day in a long string of days that seem to be building more intense as each day ticks by “ Open our state your killing it !”     “Stay at home, Stop being selfish!”      “How can you be so careless as to want more people to die “  “ How can you not see businesses and families are going to be ruined “

Each side is right! Each side is  wrong ! There is no easy answer and it is getting uglier every day!

We need to get away for the day!  No news! No Facebook!  No arguing with some and defending with others! Just me and you alone with Sirius Radio (which has no local news!)  

Let’s head north and see if we can get to the lake! I said.  When I say "the lake" I don’t even need to say the name, she knows what I am talking about,  it’s my favorite place on earth and I haven’t seen it since May of last year!

Great idea lisa said with a smile!

We loaded her new Jeep and off we went. 

I forgot my Phone! she announced a short ways up our road! Great!! I said with clear annoyance in my voice. I swung into a driveway and headed back. We both were stressed and working hard not to lash out at the other.

Finally, we were on our way. The more we drove the more relaxed we became. By our first coffee stop in Norridgewock I could feel the stress beginning to wane. An hour later we hit Dover Foxcroft and I was reaching a level of calm I have not felt in weeks.  By the town of Milo, I am feeling great as I am nearing the final leg in our journey.

We had been on the road almost 3 hours when we turned off the pavement and onto the gravel road.  WOW the road looks great! I can’t believe how dry it is and NO snow!! 

To be successful we must make it 21 miles down the dirt road. Hope grows as I think maybe, just maybe we can make it all the way there today, but first 21 miles of dirt logging roads with any number of obstacles that may halt our journey must be navigated.

I cannot explain what this area means to me. I am not sure I completely understand it myself.  I have been coming here since I was a young. I may have been 10 or 12 years old when I made my first trip. I don’t really recall the exact year, but I have loved this place ever since.

Its deep in the middle of what most folks would call “nowhere”! 

No one lives there and many of my trips to the area are void of another person for the entire stay. 

I can’t explain the calm and peace I feel while I am there. The world disappears and the stress of life fades away like the setting sun. 

 I truly feel that I am "who I am meant to be", while I am within the boundaries of this area. It has called me back for over 40 years and I don’t see how that will ever end until I can no longer make the trip.

At about 10 miles in the snow starts to make its appearance along the sides of the road. We are going deeper into the woods and higher in elevation.   By the time we hit mile 15 the road is about 75% covered with snow and what isn’t snow is mud.

By mile 18, only three miles from my destination, I am driving the jeep (Lisa’s brand new Jeep Renegade with less than 1000 miles) up a road that, in reality, is still a snowmobile trail as it is completely covered with snow. Snow that is getting thicker with every mile. We have gone through mud holes, washouts and deep ruts to get to this point.

Fast forward to the beginning of this story and turn around we did.  

 I could not make it to the lake, but we got close!  Close enough to ease the stress and tensions of the past month and all the world has thrust upon us. 

Close enough to remind me of who I am and what truly is important.   There is so much in the world I cannot control. So much I have no impact on nor can I change the outcome. 

What I can do is plan my next attempt to get there! 

My next trip I will make it!  I am sure of it!  

THAT I can have an impact on! That I can focus on and put effort into.   And that is exactly what I plan to do.

I will get there soon!

The Missed Sunset !!

Let’s go up to Height of the land in Rangeley and watch the sunset, I said as we walked through Walmart.  It’s a beautiful sun filled day and we need to get out of the house!  Sure, lisa said. 

We finished our shopping and drove home to put stuff away before we headed north. 

As we drove there, which takes about an hour, my cloud free sky started to darken on the horizon.   LOOK!! I said, clouds are coming in!   You watch and see if by the time we get there the sunset will be hidden! I sputtered in disgust!

So, on we drove and the closer we got the thicker the clouds got on the horizon and started moving across the sky. In my usual way I started fussing before we even got there. “Yup gonna drive all this way and end up with NO SUNSET!  I murmured and fussed the last couple miles as my prediction came true, The sun was gone behind the clouds never to return this day .

Lisa never said a word as we neared the look out. As we sat there clearly NOT getting a sunset,  I went on and fussed more about things not going my way and wasting time, should have stayed home!  First time trying to get a sunset and NOOOOO mother nature has to throw us a curve ball and ruin MY plans!!

So, what about Lisa? She did what she always does. She saw the beauty in life! 

While I ranted and raved about the unfair situation and wasted time and gas, she went about the situation like she goes about life. 

She took out her camera and began to take pictures, after each one she showed me the beauty of what she had seen and the pictures she had taken. 

She brings to my world the joys and beauty I would miss if she was not in my life ! She quietly and patiently brings joy to my life when I seemingly do everything I can to avoid it and try not to see it.

She completes me and makes me so much better than I would be without her! She "is" the beauty in my life and she makes sure I don't miss the beauty around me! No matter how hard I try !

Here is a the picture she took and the beauty SHE did not need anyone to show her!

 As I look out my window I am greeted warmly by the setting sun. It is losing its grip on our side of this rock we live on. There is a haze everywhere and although I can see through it, it casts an eerie shade and shadows on everything that lies so far below.

I am at 27,000 feet on the last leg of our trip. The sun is racing for the horizon at what seems like an unusually fast pace!

The plane is almost silent, just the hum of the engines and the rhythmic click of the stewardess’s cart as she does her best to provide us a quick drink and a snack.

The silence is unusually strange for a plane with this many people. I have flown hundreds of flights. My frequent flyer miles are pushing 200,000 miles. Normally only the Red eye flights maintain this level of silence.

It may be the looming Virus that has everyone on edge. Maybe they are simply solemn thinking about what lies ahead with a virus none of us are familiar with. What will it bring? Who will it choose to visit? Loved ones? Co-workers? How serious will it be and what will it do to our lives? All things I should be worried about!

Although I should be worried I'm not, my heart is full, and I have a smile on my face that won't fade! 

Katherine Alice

My bride of 36 years is by my side and we are returning from a 5-day trip to visit our granddaughter. (oh ya and her parents)

It was a precious time with nothing to do but spend time holding her, getting to know her and letting her get to know me.

You see I have only been with her twice since she was born. Once in July of last year, when she entered this world and again in October for a quick 2-day trip. Although it was wonderful to visit the exchange was purely one way.

This visit was what I have been waiting for! This visit began the relationship I will maintain and cherish for the rest of my days.

This visit I met a smart, beautiful, expressive, stubborn little girl.

A young lady who knows what she wants, when she wants it and doesn’t like no for an answer!

Of course, I think she is smarter than most, prettier than all and more precious than life itself!

I am so glad I was able to introduce myself to her this weekend. I think we are going to get along just fine!

Grampa Loves you young lady!!

 My Rock

“Hey Mom, I’m going play up at the Big Rock”

“Be careful and be home by dark”

“DARK?? Come on ma!!!”

“Alan you’re 7 years old, do as you’re told or don’t go “

“OK…. fine!!”

   That conversation took place many times in my early childhood. You see the “Big Rock” was a magical place at the top of the hill (we called it the mountain) beside our house on the east Jay road. The mountain was completely cleared each year by my Gramp who would use it for pastureland for his cows. 

   Perched at the very top of the mountain was a large rock about the size of a VW beetle projecting out of the ground. To a 7-year-old it was a huge rock.  The rock sloped back against the slope of the hill and made almost a walkway up to the top. Once at the top, the rock dropped off straight down to the ground  some 5 to 6 feet below.  The mountain was probably 150 to 200 feet above the road that ran below. It was a steep walk down to the road. From the rock you could see forever to the south! Sitting on that rock was like being in a different world, to me I was on top of the world!

The Rock was a place I loved to go as a kid. I would spend hours sitting on top of the rock looking south over the valley. To the left you could see my gramps farm just across the road. I would often watch him scurry about taking care of his chores knowing he had no idea I was watching from my perch on the rock. 

  From the top of the rock I could see far off places. Places I knew nothing about as a 7-year-old, I was sure it had to be another state. There was nothing blocking your sight for as far as you could see. On a sunny day you could even see a mystical shiny stretch of ground that glistened in the bright sunlight. It would only shine on certain days and at certain times. I thought it was the roof of a giant building but I later in life figured out the shiny stretch was the sun reflecting off the Androscoggin river miles away from where I sat.

   The rock was a special place, a place where you could get away from whatever was bugging you and become whoever you wanted to be. I would sit on top and look off into the world laid out before me having no idea of what or where I was looking. All I knew was sitting on that rock alone, I was happy and loved being there. I had no idea why nor at that age did I think about it ..

    The Rock was a safe place to spend time, a place where you could be yourself without the worry of what others might say or think. A place where a soggy eyed boy could mend his broken heart after being rejected by his most recent love.   A place where I could go when angry and somehow it just drained away as I would sit there and stare out over what had to be, in my mind, most of the world! 

    I moved away from my rock when I was 12 or so, but my visits didn’t stop. I was only a bike ride and eventually a car ride away from my old friend.  

   The Big Rock went from a cool place to marvel and wonder over the world as a wide-eyed boy, to a safe place of solitude for a growing young man. It became my sanctuary when things were not going well. I pondered many of life’s challenges as a young man sitting on that rock gazing off into the distance. It was a place where how smart you where, or how talented you were at sports didn’t matter. A place where the acne would fade away and a clumsy teen could escape the pressures of life to have a sense of peace in a hectic world he didn’t understand. I went there often.

   The last time I remember sitting on that rock I was a young man who was engaged to be married to a wonderful girl who was planning a life with me and yet I was still deeply in love with Lisa.  Many hours were spent sitting on that rock trying to figure out what to do and how to do it.  I knew there would be tears, I knew there would be anger and eventually I hoped there would be happiness for everyone but first I had to figure it all out.

 Eventually I did.

   My rock and the peacefulness of being there helped me move forward that day, just like it had many times before!

   That was 37 years ago. I don’t remember ever going back for a visit like that again.

You can see in the two photos how much it has changed. The rock is now hidden from view, when Gramp passed no one kept the mountain cleared and nature took over engulfing my rock.  I’m sure sitting on it now, there is nothing but a view of the trees that now tower above it. 

My view that was so important to me is now gone. 

I am somewhat saddened by the thought that I will never see that view again.  

I may walk up this spring just to sit on my rock and say hello.  If it was alive, I would thank it for years of being a faithful companion, a force that ignited the imagination of a small child, for being the ear that listened and the shoulder I  leaned on as a young man who just needed a place to rest from what the world was dishing out.

   But alive it is not……… 

 I might thank it anyway!

 Hi gram, how are you? 

     Yes, I know, I know it’s been too long.

I’m sorry,  life has been really busy lately but I wanted to talk with you about something really special! I couldn’t wait to tell you. I knew you would be excited about it !

    What? ok ok I will.  I want to introduce you to Katherine Alice Smith ….. Yes!  That’s your great great granddaughter!  Jake!   It’s Jake and Denae’s daughter.  I know it’s pretty cool that your name will live on! The kids named her after beloved grandparents on each side.

   What’s that? ……  No, you never met Denae. You would like her a lot! She is smart and loves animals and is really great for Jake. They will be great parents!

    Animals? Yes, they have a house full of critters, dogs, cats, fish and they may even be a turtle or two I can’t remember

        Oh I will don’t worry!  She will know who she is named after . I know her dad will introduce her to the farm, you know how much he loved you and Gramp and going to the farm. It was his favorite place! I’ll tell Katherine all about you and what life was like growing up on the farm.

     What? Sure, we do have your recipe book! Lisa uses it all the time. OK, I’ll make sure Katherine gets it!  Yup, we will for sure! By the time she is 18 she will know how to make your Molasses cookies and your Mac and cheese! I promise!

Katherine??…… oh, she is so sweet and cuddly you would just snuggle her for hours!

     Lisa is now Gramma Smith, seems strange to me to call her that or hear people call her that. You will always be Gramma Smith to me but Lisa is proud to be the next one in line, that’s for sure!

       Well I have to go, I just wanted to tell you about Katherine.

    I also …. well…….I mean……. I just wanted to say I am sorry I didn’t get to say goodbye.  It’s just you just left us so quickly. I know you where tired and ready to be with Gramp, but I wish I could have said goodbye. I wish I could have told you one more time that I loved ya.

“Ya, I know you do”

Alice Elizabeth Smith  3/14/1919 – 5/29/2007

Katherine Alice Smith ……..  7/3/2019 with a full life of wonder and adventure left to live!

 Over the years I have been many places and I have been able to see many wondrous things. 

Flaming Gorge reservoir for example, in Green River Wyoming. It is an amazing 110 mile long, steeply banked reservoir whose sides burn red with rusted iron within the soil. It is a vast and beautiful place!

 I have been in almost every major city in our country and marveled at the massive amounts of concrete and humanity that fill such a small area! 

On our family farm, we have an old pine tree that has a trunk that is so big it would take three or more people linking arms to surround the tree! A true giant of a tree that I have been amazed with since my youth! 

I have driven through the Southwest desert lands and I was awestruck at the vastness and ongoing miles of desert that stretched as far as I could see. 

You see I, like many of you, seem to be amazed and impressed by “big” things.  Things that are larger than normal, larger than life, the unusual I guess you would say! 

 If you followed our first trip this year that Lisa and I took, I shared a picture of Lisa standing in front of a HUGE rock.  This was probably the largest single rock I have ever seen! Just amazing! 

 The ground was littered with rocks of all sizes, shapes, and colors,  yet what got my attention was the one rock that wasn’t like the others.  The “exceptional” one in the area. 

Ordinary usually takes a back seat to the unusual in my world.  I tend to appreciate things that, for whatever reason, are exceptional or remarkable.  Usually small doesn’t make the cut!

The tree that beats the odds and outlasts all of its neighbors to grow to exceptional size, now that’s something to admire!  The canyon that was carved over the passing of time and yes even the huge rock that was most likely deposited there by the last glacier that covered the area. These are the things that normally get my attention and admiration.

Until this last trip.  

As I stood on the rocky outcrop over 100 feet from the ocean below,  I was admiring the massive cliffs to both my left and my right ( of course I was).  The ocean stretched out in front of me until the curvature of the earth pulled it from my view.  Truly a scene to marvel and wonder at! And I was lost in the moment!

As I looked down to take a step to the left so I could get a better footing, something caught my eye.

A small flash of green at the bottom of a crevis on the rock outcrop I was standing on.  As I looked closer I realized there was a small plant in there. “Must have blown in on the wind and landed in the crack”, I thought to myself. Or a seagull dropped it there.  I got down to look at the plant expecting to see something loose but no, this little guy was GROWING here! Where was the soil?  I couldn’t see any!  All I saw was rock and life refusing to give up.  

I was amazed at the tenacity of this little plant.  Somehow it is finding a way to survive on a rocky outcrop with no visible soil to feed its roots.  Nothing for it to flourish in and yet there it was, finding a way to survive when the odds are so stacked against it!

Isn’t the fight for life this little guy is making worth as much of my admiration as the massive pine who lives on the fertile soil of our farm? 

 Is the fact that this plant is surviving in what seems like impossible circumstances just as wondrous as a big rock deposited by a glacier about 10,000 years ago?

I think so!  

 I need to slow down and marvel at the small treasures around me. Treasures that I miss every day!  I need to stop focusing only on the things that jump out at me and “LOOK” for what wonders are all around me. If you look for what is amazing around you verses simply letting it jump out at you,  you will find there is more out there to both see and appreciate. 

I wonder if the little guy will make it?

Probably not,  but it won’t be from a lack of effort that’s for sure!

Hello Katherine !

 Hello Katherine Alice, 

I had over 7 months to prepare for her arrival and yet the emotions that came over me while I held her for the first time were far beyond what I expected!   How can you love someone so much before you even meet her?  Before she even takes her first breath, she becomes one of the most important people in your life! Just doesn’t make sense! But sure enough its true!

From the moment I knew she was coming into my life I have been excited to finally meet her. For me it’s always an anxious time when you meet someone new. Will you like them; will they like you? Will they be really annoying and drive you crazy? Some want to be friends with you but the feeling isn’t mutual and vice versa.  So meeting folks for the first time can be an interesting adventure for sure. 

With her the expectation was even higher!  I have a role to play in her life. I am “Grampa Smith”! Wait what??  How in the world do I do that?!?!  One minute I’m an old guy skating through life and the next minute I have an entirely new role to play?!  How do I know how to be a Grampa? Where is the Grampa manual? What do I do? What don’t I do?  

Will I be a good Grampa, or will I be the one kids run from and hide at every visit clinging to their parents’ leg for support and protection?  Will I have a candy in my pocket especially for her every time I see her or will I yell at her to “get off the lawn I just planted grass seeds there “? 

All I know about being a Gramp is what I know from my own Gramp...….  Good Lord how can I live up to that?!

From the orange and cheese parties he used to have with us kids (when I know he had a thousand other things he needed to do on the farm) to the constant interest in our lives shown by the simple questions he would ask each time he saw us. My gramp was always a positive force in my life! 

Never judgmental, always supportive and there when we needed him as if quietly waiting for the call to action. From a lap to sit in on a rainy day as a child, to a tow out of a snowbank on a winter day as a teen. Gramp was always there when I needed him.

Ok, I can do this!  All I have to do is think back and say “what would gramp do “and I will surely be able to ace this gramp thing!

 That reminds me I need to stock up on candy, oranges and cheese!  I wonder what kind of candy she will like ? I better just stock up on them all just to be sure !

 Are you a picture person or a video person? 

Now keep in mind I just made this up as I sit here so my definition and explanations are my own and since I made it up, I can define it however I want. 

Picture people are folks who are always occupied. Lisa is a picture person. She HAS to be always doing something. I don’t mean just working or puttering but even when she sits and relaxes, she has to be doing something.  Reading a book, looking at Facebook, watching Tv,  her mind seems to require immediate stimulation and she always feeds it with something.

I on the other hand am a video person.  I can sit with nothing but my thoughts for long periods of time.  I can sit outside and simply take in what’s going on around me.  I don’t need a book, no tv, not even a radio is needed.  I can just sit there and observe the world around me and be alone with my thoughts. As I give the specific example coming up it may be more apparent as to what I am trying to say.

If you look at the picture attached you will see a lovely view from our Campsite.  There is a stream flowing by, a nice grassy area were we often sit and woods beyond the brook.  If you look closely you can see a couple ducks sitting on the tree that has fallen into the water.  It’s a lovely spot and for many that is the extent of what they get from this “Picture”,  even if they are sitting right here.  Their mind see’s the immediate picture in front of them and then they are off with other activities, be they mental or physical.  Once they have absorbed the “picture” they see in front of them they move on.  They get the highlights of any situation.  Picture people take in the immediate offering that lies in front of them and as soon as they have taken in what the “picture” has to offer their minds are off to other things.

Video people on the other hand slow down. We slow way down and take in so much that picture people don’t see. 

Next is an account of what I saw while sitting in the same spot looking at this exact view for almost 3 hours today while Lisa read her book.

After only a few moments of sitting still the world around began to come alive with movement and life. At first everything does seem static and picture like when you first look at it.  But just wait and focus on what’s going on around and soon life begins the show. 

 I noticed on the ground below me a trail of black ants working diligently, in line, doing whatever it is that ants do. Do they even know I’m here? Probably not. 

 Soon I started noticing movement in the air around the brook. Bugs of all sizes and shapes were fluttering over and around the stream. Soon I noticed quick, small dimples on the water, but I could not see what was causing them. To small to be fish , yet clearly rings being placed randomly across the waters surface.  After a couple minutes I realized the dimples were caused by dragon flies. Dragon flies dipping their tails in the water as they laid their eggs ensuring the next generation would follow. This activity happens often all summer long.  How many folks have actually taken the time to see the show?

While watching the dragon flies, my eyes catch a small disturbance on the opposite shore of the stream. Watching closely, I noticed a momma Duck with 8 babies silently gliding along the opposite shore weaving in and out of the branches , hoping to escape detection.

As I sat there a little while longer, I heard the hum of a set of hummingbird wings.  Slowly looking up I noticed the fragile bird eating from a feeder just a few feet from my head.

Next came the croak of a big bull frog. Couldn’t see in at first but his resounding croak let me know he was close by. Soon he was slowly swimming beside the shore of our lot and crawled up on the bank to sun himself right in front of me as I quietly watched.

Again, after sitting there silent for a while longer I started to notice all the birds fluttering around in the trees. There was a black bird who would often fly from one side of the stream to the other. Mid-stream he would drop something white into the water?  Not sure what that was but he did it at least 5 times that I saw. Very strange.  Clearly, he had a reason only he knows.

When you are sitting still and focusing solely on the life around you it’s amazing what you can see and hear.  I heard a noise in the tree above me and it was a Nuthatch or as we call them in Maine, ass ups, for the obvious reason they are always on the tree with their head down and their ass up. The small bird was hopping around head down like Nut Hatches do.  Sitting silent I could actually hear the sound of his claws gripping the bark on the tree as he hopped from spot to spot.  Keep in mind this bird weighs ounces!

I am often visited by a beaver who always swims the other shore hoping to escape my view. Today I haven’t noticed him, hopefully he will make a visit.

Look, there is a large black beetle making his way under my chair.  Where is he going?  What mission is he on I wonder, looks like he may be carrying something but I’m not sure.  

Are you a picture person or a video person?  Do you see a quick snapshot of life as it passes you by and then on to another attraction, or do you take the time to savior the moments and truly see the world around you and ALL it is trying to show you?  If you are a picture person, I challenge you to sit quietly, with no distractions and really see what’s going on around you.  I assure you that you will be amazed at what you are missing!  There is a show always going on right outside of your attention. Stop long enough to take it in. You won’t be disappointed!

Update. As I am proofing this my friend the beaver made his appearance and silently made his way long the bank. Thank you, sir!

Alone

 It was the end of a perfect day in the north Maine woods.  There had been dirt roads traveled, brooks explored, and fish caught.  I am on a solo trip up north trying to refresh the mind and soul.

 The best part of the trip was the fact that I have not seen or spoken to another human being for over three days.  No one on the lake, no one on the brooks, not even a hiker on the trails.  I am 50 miles into the woods truly alone.

Now I sit on a secluded beach with my tent set up just feet from the water’s edge and a campfire roaring.

The sun has set, and the sky is fading and with it another day will pass into memory. Memories I won’t soon forget! 

Its solitude I run to, being alone with just my thoughts without the noise of society. For three days I haven’t even heard my own voice. 

 For years I didn’t recognize the real source of my yearning. It was always a “fishing trip”, or a “camping trip”.  The real source of my longing remained elusive to me.

 To be engulfed in an isolation that surrounds me..... as I sit alone or with Lisa by my side, that is my ultimate desire and reward.  This trip I am alone, completely alone.

The sound of the waves lapping rhythmically onto the beach and the crackling of the fire are all I have to keep me company as darkness sets in.  I am totally alone, yet far from lonely.

I love you! Good night,  I whisper into the darkness to my love who is 200 miles away.  

I will see you soon!

Find Your Culvert !

 We slowly glide along the water making barely a ripple.  My paddle quietly dips into the water and gently propels us along.  As a boy my dad taught me the proper way to paddle a canoe.  None of this switching sides stuff in order to go in a straight line.  A properly places “J” stroke of the paddle with the appropriate end of stroke pressure left or right will ensure you can keep a canoe straight and never have to switch sides.   There wasn’t any of this banging the sides or splashing your paddle either. How can you sneak up on wildlife making a ton of noise?  My father would say.  

 So gracefully and silently my paddle dips into the water and steadily glides us along our journey for the day.  We are exploring the stream that runs by our campsite.  While studying Google Earth before our trip I notices a set of rapids a few miles up the stream that looks like it might be good trout fishing.  Since it was a sunny day (so far) and didn’t appear there was any chance of a storm, we decided to put the canoe in and strike off. 

Like many streams that enter big lakes our trek for the day was wide and slow moving as we began our trip.  It twisted and wound its way through beautiful flatlands filled with tall grass and wild flowers. 

Lisa was sitting up front enjoying the sun and catching an occasional yellow perch, but mostly relaxing.  We don’t always talk much on our expeditions, I guess after close to 40 years of being together we don’t need to.  There is the occasional “hey look at that” or “isn’t that pretty “but the need for major conversation has long since passed and the simple enjoyment of being together in a beautiful place serves to satisfy the soul.

As we rounded a bend in the stream a low rushing sound began to resonate from the far shore.  Sounds like a stream I thought to myself.   As we got closer the sound grew louder.  My mind immediately races to what fabulous possibilities it could be.  Was it a waterfall on a small brook? Was it a series of riffles from a brook leading into the lake?  I wasn’t sure but I knew the closer I got the better it sounded.

“Sounds Like a waterfall” I said “yes that’s what I was thinking” Lisa replied.  I bet over our lifetime Lisa and I have seen 50 to 75 waterfalls. We have hiked into, driven into and canoed into waterfalls from Maine to Alabama.  We both love waterfalls.  As we got closer we could see the location of the noise and sure enough it was a small stream rushing into the larger brook we were in. The stream was not much wider than our canoe.  We tried to go up the little stream but only made it about 100 feet before the alders became too think for the canoe to navigate so we backed out.  “Let’s see if we can put the canoe on the bank so we can get out and explore.” Which was met with an eager “ok” from the front of the canoe. 

The bank was VERY steep with many old stumps and logs laying close to the bank in the water. There was also allot of brush growing off the bank and hanging over the water so we had very few “slots” that we could get the canoe into so we could get out.  After a few failed attempts to reach the bank I saw a spot I felt we could make it through.  By this time there was a small level of frustration building in both of us as failed attempt after failed attempt had stalled our efforts. 

As I guided the canoe through the reeds  and brush towards the bank it finally arrived on shore and Lisa was able to get out and secure the canoe so I could climb out. 

Since we could not go ashore where we wanted to this new found landing required us to climb over a small knoll to get to whatever wonder awaited us.  We quickly rigged our fishing rods so we could fish if it was possible.  “Sounds like a pretty good waterfall to me.”  I said, “You ready” I questioned as Lisa was securing her rod for travel.  “Yup, you first” she said “Sure, you just want me to get all the spiders and spider webs cleared for you!” I shot back.  Lisa just smiled!

The bank was steep and the brush was thick so the going was not easy but the waterfall sound kept us pushing on.  It grew louder as we reached the top of the hill.  “Boy that sounds great I hope there are trout at the base of it!” I huffed in a somewhat muffled and strained voice from climbing the steep bank.  From the top we still couldn’t see the waterfall so we started down the other side.   

It wasn’t much further before reality came into view!  A reality that 30 years ago would have left me angry and disappointed!

It was an old culvert off an abandoned dirt road!  My imagined waterfall with beautiful flowing water that cascaded over rocks glistening with moss had turned into a steel culver with water flowing through it off from an old dirt road! Bummer!   We both laughed as we stood there faced with the lack luster payoff for all of our effort to get there! 

“Oh well” Lisa said, “now we know!”  We turned and started our way back to the canoe joking about the great natural wonder we had discovered deep in the Maine woods!

Things don’t always end as we hope they will. There isn’t always a rainbow after a thunderstorm, sometimes there is a wet tent! There isn’t always a beautiful waterfall behind the sound of rushing water. Sometimes it’s just a culvert!

 For Lisa and I every adventure is a success. All struggles are worth the effort. Although you may not find your pot of gold or your beautiful waterfall. Instead you may end up with hail instead of a rainbow or a culvert instead of a waterfall. Life happens!  Embrace it!  You see for us every memory made is a treasure to be held tightly! Our trips success isn’t measured by the number of fish caught or sunny days. It's not about everything going perfectly with no challenges or failures. It’s about making memories together, and this one, like all the rest was a keeper!

I hope you take the time and put in the effort to find your culvert!

Little Warrior

 We had just finished hauling everything into the cabin and had

 begun putting things in its rightful place for the week.

When you pack for a week and you are moving into a small cabin “stuff” placement inside to ensure room enough to move around is vital!   We hadn’t been organizing long when we noticed him for the first time.  He was perched on the porch rail fixated intently on the feeder.  “look a little hummingbird” 

Lisa commented “yup” I replied with little to no interest.

We went about our business of settling into the camp without another thought of our tiny friend.

Each cabin was adorned with a feeder so hummingbirds were everywhere.   It was a cloudy day, even a little misty so once we finished unpacking, we decided to sit at the table, which was positioned in front of the main window, for a while and relax.  It was at that time we started to really notice our little friend.  He was not only still sitting on the rail, still facing the feeder directly but he was twitching his head left to right in a constant pattern.  It wasn’t long before another hummingbird flew in to try to feed at the feeder.  At that time our little warrior shot off the rail and intercepted the rival in mid-air chasing it away.  Within seconds our friend was back on his perch,  beak pointed skyward, aimed at the feeder.

“Well,” lisa said. “He’s not very friendly is he!”    “Nope” I muttered as I was busy studying the map planning our fishing trip for the next day and had little interest in the anti social behavior of a northern Maine Hummingbird.

Over the next 5 days, it became evident that this hummingbird was on a mission and had a purpose.  He would be on the rail before we got up in the morning and would be there all day.  Tirelessly chasing away any and all invaders who tried to feed at HIS feeder.   OVER and OVER again, dozens of times a day he would chase off would be raiders.  Never letting up, never taking a break!  He would feed when he wanted but most of his time was spent fighting off and chasing away other hummingbirds.  He never lost a battle! Truly strange behavior.  I have witnessed hummingbirds fighting at feeders before but never have I witnessed one stake a claim and tirelessly fend off rivals all day long !  “Rather greedy little bugger isn’t he” I said to Lisa one evening. “There is enough food there to feed 10 hummingbirds all summer and he wont share a drop.”

The more I watched my little friend the more calculated and rhythmic his actions became. After every air battle, he always landed back on the rail in almost the exact same spot, directly facing the feeder. 

He would puff up his feathers to make himself look twice as big as he was and then he would just sit there twitching his head back and forth scanning the sky waiting for the next invader to approach.  Same process, same spot, same puffing of feathers, same mid-air battles, over and over and over again. All day long!  He was ALWAYS the victor!  No hummingbird ever got near his stash. 

You will see two pictures below.  The top one was his ordinary position all day long. Beak pointed straight at the feeder which was less than 2 feet away and scanning the sky for invaders. 

The second photo is an example of the incredible dedication he had for his mission or was it greed?  Lisa nicknamed him David, after the biblical David who took on the giant and won. I called him Attila the Hun, to me our little friend acted more like the fierce ruler of the Hun’s clan from 1600 years ago. Our little guy was small but fierce and fearless for sure.  He even attacked a squirrel who attempted to reach the feeder one day and won!   

 In the second picture, It is late one evening.  The sun is long gone, it is a very cold and breezy evening even for Maine standards and yet there he is.  Never leaving his post, never giving up the fight until darkness drives him off to some safe perch for the night.  What manner of thought can drive such a 

small and pretty bird to act so obsessively?  He became a daily fixture of both entertainment and wonder for us as the days went on.

We watched him all week and the story was the same, day in and day out, from before the sun would rise, till way after the sun went down, he was at his post fighting off any who would dare touch his feeder.

Our trip ended on Sunday, June 2, which just happened to be our anniversary date.  35 years ago it was 

a rainy and stormy day. June 2, 2019, did not disappoint. The rain had moved in overnight and the only 

rain of our entire trip was now falling as we prepared to leave the paradise. Seemed fitting I thought to 

myself.  

As Lisa opened the curtain to let the light in to our little camp she exclaimed.  “look”!  There sitting on the rail was our warrior still puffed up, in his same spot aimed directly at the feeder, beak in the air. Just like he had been all week hundreds of times before.  Only today in the rain sitting next to him was a small female!  We watched as the two sat there both looking at the feeder.  Soon the female flew up to 

drink and our little warrior never flinched from his perch.  Another rival tried to feed at the same time as the female but our warrior would have none of that and like he had done hundreds of time over the week he dispatched him immediately and went back to his post on the rail.  When the female was done eating she went back to the rail and perched next to our little friend! 

Lisa and I smiled at each as it now all made sense! 

Just like our lives together over the past 35 years, the best things in life are worth fighting for! 

What are you fighting for? 

How much effort are you putting in?

Maybe there is a lesson to be learned from a small hummingbird in Northern Maine after all!

 The silence.

He was the kind of man the world needs more of! He was a man of few words, although quiet by nature he had a strength and wisdom greater than most.  I don’t think there was anything he couldn’t do! Growing up he took on almost a superhero status as the guy who could fix anything. A broken toy or a broken bike, there was no challenge he seemingly couldn’t fix in my eyes. Accomplishing most of it alone mind you as asking for help was seldom done!  It seemed there wasn’t anything he couldn’t fix, tractors, farm machinery, toys you name it and he could rebuild, refabricate or just plain replace. 

I never heard a boasting word leave his lips. Humble to a fault he was liked by everyone who knew him.  He was well known in our small town and respected by everyone.  I honestly don’t believe there was anyone who would say a bad word about him. He was known mostly for his mild-mannered ways and generosity.  He would help anyone who needed it as long as he was able to. 

He wasn’t one for cussing either! I can't say I ever heard him say a bad word no matter how frustrated he was. Silence was used in many ways and he knew when to “let it be”  better than most.

Although he was well read and very smart I never heard him debate politics, sports or religion, frankly I can't remember him talking about anything that normally separates and pulled us apart as a people.  If a debate raged around him he would just silently sit there and wait till the topic changed. Discussions with him usually started with the weather and ended with questions about how you were doing. 

 I Never heard him complain about any challenges life threw at him and there were many. He had a sense of humor that I never really appreciated until I grew older. Even after an unfortunate accident where he pinned himself under his tractor wheel and had to be rescued,  he joked about it for years as trying to run over himself with his own tractor.  

Looking back, I can see many times when he would use mild-mannered sarcasm to poke fun at me, an effort lost on me most of the time.   For instance, as a teenager one day,  I took my 1972 VW bug out in a snowstorm, not my brightest move but hey this is Maine!  I hit a snow drift and got stuck in the middle of the road. There was no one else on the road that day to help as the weather was bad. Well, I had no one else to call as it was a work day and dad was at the mill, so I called to see if he could help me out. 

Although he was out working in the wagon house at the time,  the cry for help was conveyed and off he came with the truck and a chain to the rescues of this foolish young’un who used bad judgment to be out on such a day. Within minutes he pulled up beside me, rolled down his window and in his best straight face look at me and said.. “stuck huh”? I remember thinking to myself …. WELL YA! that’s what I called for!!!   Geesh!!  

Only later in life did I realize that behind that smirk was a good-natured ribbing about the stupid situation I had put myself in that day and often did. No lectures came, no “what were you thinking of being out on  a day like this?”  No, just the needed help was provided with a warm smile and then without a word, after pulling me free, he was off headed back to the farm to finish his task.  He didn’t wait for a thank you as none was expected or needed.

He was a truly a quiet man. I remember spending hours at his house never hearing his voice, yet always being met with a quick “hi”  and a warm and inviting smile that said all that needed to be said. Then he would scurry on about his business once he realized the purpose of my visit did not involve him. 

I watched he and his son spend 100’s of hours together while I was growing up.  Long periods of time would go by without a word.  Whether sitting on the porch watching the world go by or working around outside together on a project. The silence was a common and natural thing.  As a young man, I never understood the silence.  Something always seemed to be missing. Surely there were things to talk about, Gossip to pass on or news to cover? Surely !!  

Little did I know it was exactly as it was meant to be.  They didn’t need to talk. Being there to help when needed or a visit for a spell or even just to sit on the porch and watch the sunset on the mountains said it all. The silence was all that needed to be said and the message between them was loud and clear. I care, I’m here and I always will be.  It took many years for me to understand that. To be able to appreciate the silence and enjoy the presence. 

I remember one of the last times we all gathered at the farm for Christmas. My cousins and their families from Bangor came down every Christmas to celebrate. By this time I was grown and had young children of my own. Children who grew to love him as much as I did. The house was full of adults and kids running everywhere. He sat silent most of the time. Only speaking when spoken to, yet enjoying every minute of the hustle and bustle that filled his home.  

As I sat across the room watching him I could see tears welling in his eyes, tears generated by the joy one feels from having 4 generations of his family all under one roof enjoying a day with him. He didn’t see me watching and quickly wiped away any sign of emotion before anyone saw him, but for me, it was the rare moment I was blessed to witness.  Again no words were spoken yet the message was clear.

 The call came in late June of 2003, that he was in the hospital. The prognosis was not good. My family and I were 1400 miles away at that time living in Alabama. We loaded the suburban with everything we needed and headed for Maine. Praying we would make it in time. 

I drove 24 hours straight as I often did but this time there was an urgency that made the trip even more nerve-wracking. 

When we got to the hospital he was sitting back on pillows in an attempt to prop him up. He didn’t look like the strong man I grew up with.  I instantly knew this time he wasn’t going to be able to fix this. Time and the stroke had taken its toll and he looked tired, weak and for the first time in my life broken. We talked to the nurses and doctors, the family mingled and quietly spoke amongst ourselves. We also spoke “with” him. He would nod and you could tell he understood but speech came hard at this point so I guess he didn’t try. He didn’t need to. 

When I left the hospital that day it was the last time I saw this great man alive. I leaned over and gave him a hug and for the first time as an adult I whispered: “I love you Gramp”.   As I pulled away our eyes met. He never said a word nor did I, yet the silence said it all. With tears in my eyes, I squeezed his hand and walked away. 

It's been 15 years since he left us and his silence still speaks to me. 

Arnold Smith

April 28, 1917 - July 8, 2003

4 Days?

 So, I am pretty good at celebrating my wife of 34 years, I mean I NEVER forget our anniversary, (that’s because it's on my birthday, yup, I planned that one out perfectly years ago! Wink Wink). I always remember to make a special deal out of valentine’s day, chocolate is always a nice and welcomed touch. Her birthday always brings forth a surprise and of course the granddaddy of them all Christmas. I LOVE doing things special for Christmas!  I am more of the, buy a whole bunch of unique little gifts kinda guy, rather than one big gift. Although last year I broke that mold and bought her a heated jacket for winter. Which she loves by the way.  This thing even has a preheat mode!  

 I pride myself as a hubby that never misses the socially mandated, commercially driven days to celebrate your significant other.

Often, she is envied by officemates when flowers arrive at the office for one of these “special” days.  I even throw in a “just because” celebration every now and again. What a great husband am I!! ....................... really???? So, let's see, Birthday, Valentines, Christmas, Wedding Anniversary…… So that’s 4 days a year I go out of my way to celebrate the most important person in my life. Oh ya and a few just because efforts!! Hhhhmmmmm???? Hitting all the societal milestones says I’m a great husband, wonderful caring partner! I have made it the pinnacle of husbandry! What more could she ask for? I know right !! I am sure there are significant others out there that would be happy to reach that milestone. To have what she has!! 

She leans into the mirror as she brushes her teeth. Her hand raises to gently follow and investigate a new wrinkle, a wrinkle that apparently wasn’t there yesterday as she seems to just notice it.  She longs for the days gone by when the mirror held no surprises. 

As we walk through the store she stops to look at clothes, she checks the tag for the size. As she looks it over she eventually puts it back with a somewhat sad look on her face.  Time has changed the number on the tags she now wears. She works diligently to stay looking young. Much harder than she really needs to. At her stage in life, she has a youthful look most her age are envious of.  Yet inside she feels the tug to hold on to what youth graced her with and time is trying to steal. 

Oh, and let's not talk about gravity. Peaches have become pears, perky becomes…well …...saggy and time and gravity become foes worth fighting daily.  A battle she knows she can’t win.

For over 35 years she has held tightly to the love that binds us. The more I pushed and strained that grip, the tighter she held. There is no doubt over the 35 years there were times she should have walked away. No one would have blamed her for giving up. At times she must have felt like she was the only one that cared, the only one trying to keep our world together. A level of lonely I can only imagine. It's sad looking back what foolish things we can do to the ones we love the most. 

 By far she has been the anchor, the glue that held our family together. Selflessly raising 2 boys at a cost only she knows.  Too many times a battle fought alone as work kept me away. She gave up everything to make sure her family had what they needed. We always came first and still do.  Never did I see the tears, yet I know they must have flowed. I imagine at the end of many a long day fighting with teenage boys while working full time and desperately trying to keep the house together. I am sure they ran and stained her beautiful cheeks as no one was there to wipe them away. But hold on she did. Never letting go. Never giving up!

4 days and a few thrown in for good measure, seems not only ridiculous but embarrassing, wouldn’t you say? 

I should be celebrating her every day! She should hear how beautiful she is every day! How gravity and wrinkles are not a sign of defeat at the hands of time, but a sign of victory for a battle well fought and a reward truly earned. Her beauty only grows as time opens each new chapter in our life together. But I have to tell her! 

The number on the tag doesn’t matter! The mirror reflects the beauty of the age gained gracefully, not the loss of the youth! She still takes my breath away every day as I see her walking my way. Why did I stop telling her? 

 I don’t have enough days left to celebrate all she has given me!  To cover the debt of all she has sacrificed over the years I will never live to see.  Even if I live to be 100, nothing I could do would repay the sacrifices made and the tears lost. 

But I will try to even the score just a little. I will replace as many tears from the past with smiles of the future and lonely nights with joyful memories.   I will make sure she knows she is perfect just as she is and beautiful beyond words and I will make sure she never forgets!  No I can never even the score  but I will spend what days I have left trying.

Who should you be celebrating daily? Who do you take for granted? Why not start today, celebrating those who deserve more than 4 days a year.

 So they say you can never go back……. "things will never be the same"…….. they say. "It’s best to not even try and save yourself the disappointment," they say.

  Well for the most part "they" are probably right.  You certainly can’t go back. Time quietly slips by while we barely notice it’s passing, minutes become hours, which turn into days and eventually years. Quietly slipping by until one day you realize just how much of it you've lost.

Although they may be right and you cannot go back, you can, however, revisit old memories and allow your mind to bring you back in time to a place you once knew.

It was 36 years ago the first time I stood on this rock overlooking this beautiful trout stream.  For the most part, little has changed over the decades since my first visit.  Yes, the trees that line the brook are bigger but it is just as I remember it to be all those years ago. The crystal clear water meanders and loudly babbles its way over rocks as it swiftly makes its way to its downstream destination. As I stood there soaking in the beauty of this place, I let my mind wander back to a day so long ago. Same rock, same stream, the same feeling of wonder at the beauty stretched out before me. The beauty of this place remains unchanged! Maybe you can go back! Maybe “they” were wrong I thought to myself! What do “they” know anyway!! This all seems so familiar! Like it was just yesterday I had discovered it for the first time!

As I glance over the water’s surface, fishing pole in hand, trying to predict where the best trout would be hiding, my eyes catch the image of my reflection on the smooth water’s surface. Although time may have stood still for my surroundings, it was clear in what was looking back at me, that time truly had raged forward. Where 36 years ago stood a slender, young man with the world at his feet. Now stood an aging man weathered by time and a far cry from the figure that first looked into that same pool.  I stare at my reflection as if I were looking at a painting. As if it were a glimpse into the future and not the result of times relentless progression. For a brief moment, I am lost, wedged somewhere between the memories of yesteryear and the sobering reality looking back at me. Soon I smile at the figure looking back from the water. A smile filled with a lifetime of adventures, a life lived well and a life with few regrets.  

Oh, what I could tell that young man of years ago. The adventures we were about to go on and the memories we would make. If I had told him that day so long ago, that we would remember for decades what lay before us and how important that place would become to us, I am sure of his response. 

No, you can’t go back and I guess in many ways that may be a good thing.   If we could, what things would we miss as time passed us by while we held on tightly and blindly to yesterday?  What would we miss while looking back?

Never forget yesterday,  try to live fully in each today and always look forward to the adventures that may await you in whatever tomorrows you may have left.  Time will surely pass no matter what we do. So make it a priority to make memories as often as you can, memories that the future you will long to look back on!

I Love You, Good Night

 So Saturday is our anniversary. We have been married 34 years! Doesn't seem possible but the calendar doesn't lie.  I am returning today from a 3 day camping trip to the north woods. A trip far away from civilization and the things that distract us from what is important in life. 

This trip was a unique trip for me. Although I have been to this area countless times over the years, it was my first solo trip camping. Just me and my tent . I have gone with a couple other fishermen over the years but for the most part my partner in all things outdoors has been my wife.

 For 34 years (and a few before we got married) Lisa has been by my side on almost every adventure into the wildness. She has climbed mountains, forged freezing cold streams and slept in the rain many times over the years. We have explored countless miles of streams, discovered secret places few have gone and hiked into many remote trout pond to try our luck.  

Through the good and the bad she has been by my side gladly taking on any adventure I could dream up and there have been many over the years.   So why a solo trip this time ? Well life has unfairly put us in a situation where I have much more vacation time per year than Lisa. Unfair for sure! But they are the cards we have been dealt currently so we will make the best of it. I decided this week to take a few days and go north to one of my favorite northern locations. It was actually the location Lisa and I went on our honeymoon.  Yes she tented in northern Maine on her honeymoon. That is love folks !  

I was excited to discover after several hours of driving on dusty, dirt logging roads, there was no one there! I had the entire end of the lake to myself!  There is only 2 remote campsites on this end of the lake and lucky for me I was alone !  I quickly set up camp and set off exploring more of the area that is such a special place to me ! 

It was a wonderful three days, although rather buggy with the black flies and mosquitos in full force . I climbed mountains , hiked streams and took an 8 mile round trip hike into a waterfall I have known about for years and always wanted to see.

 The falls had to be 100 feet high and nestled deep in a large water carved gorge boarder with sheer cliffs equally as high. It was a trick to get down into the base of the falls for this aging adventurer, even with a well marked trail . I was able to catch many  brook trout and salmon at its base so It was well worth the hike.   

This trip was almost perfect ! Almost ..... The only thing was my partner of 34 years was silently missing from my side.  

You are probably wondering about the picture.  First a little of the back story. For 34 years Lisa and I kiss each other every night and say "I love you good night" as we climb into bed . we have been together for 34 years and it's been the same chorus each night.

  As the sun set that first night the absence of foot prints in the sand beside me, footprints that had been there so many times before and the solitude of the location made me strongly aware that I was missing my partner!  

I took that picture with the hopes that I could find a mountain top high enough to get a little  signal on my cell phone , maybe from a tower in Millinocket if I was lucky , just enough signal was all I was hoping for so I could send it off with the the words . "I love you good night"  and nothing more. Unfortunately it wasn't meant to be.  I whispered those words as the sun went down but no signal was found. 

I had a wonderful trip and unless things change with Lisa's work I will be making more solo trips north. But be assured every night as the sun goes down she will know that no matter where I am and what I am doing, signal or not, I will be quietly whispering into the still of the north maine woods. "I love you , good night" 

Happy 34 Lisa Crooker Smith ! Oh how I love you !

Fay Ervin Towle

 Fay Ervin Towle

To say Fay  was a mountain of a man would be an understatement! His towering frame made my 6 foot 2 inches seem small in comparison.  His face and hands were rough and weathered from a lifetime of working outside!  When I met Fay he had already spent 60 years enjoying life! His life was one challenge after another in find things that fit his massive frame! Mostly he would have to adapt things to make them work. He was a machinist by trade and extremely clever at adapting and building things to fit his needs ! He couldn’t find long john’s ( winter long underwear to keep you warm) long enough to fit so his wife Doris would buy two pair so she could cut the top 10 inches off one pair and sew it onto the other. His feet were so big winter boots were impossible to find. I asked him one day what size they were and he laughed and said he didn’t really know.  Doris would buy the biggest set of rubber high top  galoshes she could find  and sew him felt insoles to put inside. These were his winter boots!

He was so tall when he sat on his Ski-doo he head towered above the windshield so what did Fay do ? He added a 12 inch piece of clear plexi-glass to the top of the windshield to protect his face from the elements! He had spent a lifetime adapting the world to his majestic size.

His massive hands would wrap around mine as if mine were not even there. Yet being aware of his size and strength his handshakes were always light and gentle.

I met Fay and his wife sometime in the early 1980’s. They were winter caretakers for a set of cabins Lisa and I used to frequent every winter when we needed a respite from life’s challenges. 

We spent 4 maybe 5 winters visiting, fishing and getting to know Fay and Doris. One week each year .   A couple winters it was just the 4 of us enjoying the Camps.

Fay had a small problem with laws. Especially fishing and hunting laws.  His problem was he didn’t follow them!  He wasn’t a huge poacher filling his freezer with fish. He only took what he needed and never wasted anything but felt government had gotten too carried away with telling him how he could fish and hunt. 

Fay always had a smile on his face  and would do his best to put one on you ! A true gentle giant if there ever was one ! 

The local Game warden did not share my respect for Fay ! He and Fay had an ongoing cat and mouse game with said Warden doing everything he could to catch Fay breaking fishing laws.  This Warden was obsessed with Fay as his illegal activities were well known around those parts. I remember on one cold night in February about 2 Am I woke to the sound of a snowmobile coming across the brightly moonlight lake. The temp was well below zero and I couldn’t for the life of me figure out who would be out so far away from civilization on this frigid night. Well it was our old Warden friend racing in to try to catch Fay leaving his ice traps out all night on the lake (which was a violation).   To the wardens frustration  the holes hadn’t frozen much but the traps had been removed. Fay had gotten up in the middle of the night and taken them in somehow knowing he might get a visit from his old adversary. Needless to say the warden was angry and sputtering as he headed back to town cold and unsuccessful!

That is just one example of a game that went on for decades between those two. Sometimes Fay was the victor sometimes the warden!  

I lost track of my friend when life put an end to our yearly trips to the camps.  I have thought of him often over the years and always wondered how he was doing. His soft caring personality and lust for laughter is something I will never forget.  

I was doing a google search the other day hoping to find out any news of my old friend. I finally found what I was looking for yet saddened at the outcome. My friend had died in an ATV accident at his home in 2011. He was 85.  The Obituary read as follows. “Fay loved  hunting, fishing, gardening and telling stories. He also loved to make people laugh”   And that he did!

I spent many hours in the north Maine woods listening to his stories of life and his many adventures.  Although I am deeply saddened by the fact that I never stayed in touch with Fay, I am forever thankful for the one week each year we spent together in the frozen north woods! 

Fay Ervin Towle  (May 2,1925 –April 29, 2011)

Away, Really Away !

 As I sit and look out the window of our small and humble cabin the snow has started to fall on the wilderness landscape. Mt Nesuntabunt towers to the right of our cabin as our lake follows along its base to the south. Our lake for the week is not very big,  maybe a half mile wide and 6 miles long. Deep and cold it’s great for ice fishing which is part of our plan for the week. 

The weather man out of Millinocket who is barely understandable from the static filled battery operated radio struggling to pull in the distant signal , he claims it hasn’t quite reached 0 degrees yet and its almost noon!  It sounded like he said low over night about -25! I will have to be extra diligent with the wood stove tonight! He did say we would get a reprieve from the cold tomorrow and it should hit mid-teens. Tomorrow we will try to snowmobile to the next pond over. I hear the ice fishing is good there! 

The air is still and crisp as the tiny flakes of snow slowly make their way to the ground. The snow is falling so slowly it almost looks like it’s in slow motion as it makes it way to the resting place of the ones who came before. 

As I strain to peer through the falling snow  I see a dark small figure down the lake moving out from the shadows of the shoreline and making its way across the snow covered ice. Although I am too far away to see exactly what it is I know from the shape and color it is a coyote making its way to the other side of the lake. A welcome guest in the retreat from “Our” reality. 

A quick glance at the old couch reassures me that my new wife is still napping as the time slowly passes in our own private paradise.

We are alone in our vacation cabin. The type of “alone” most folks never get to experience!  We are the only humans on the entire lake. The closest plowed road is 35 miles by snowmobile. The closest town is nearly 100 miles away.  Closest human? Could be 50 miles or more as the crow flys.  You see alone takes on a new meaning when you are in the North Maine woods. 

Our humble cabin has no electricity, no running water . We heat with an old wood stove and a pile of seasoned wood stacked against the outside of our late 1800’s log cabin. The stove casts shadows and flickers of light all around our one room cabin from the holes that have formed in its old and tired frame. At night our old stove casts a light show that can sooth one to  sleep in no time !  We do have the luxury of propane lights and a propane stove to cook with. And yes the outhouse trips are quick and calculated when the mercury hits negative numbers for those already wondering!

We won’t see another human for 8 days, no  phones, . no alarm clocks ,no meetings, no commitments, no deadlines , no responsibilities. Simple existence at its purest form!   We packed our way in with snowmobiles and sleds and we will pack our way out when we leave. No help, no support. No one to call if things go wrong, no one to help if life throws you an unexpected challenge.  Alone!

It was 1985,  Lisa and I deep in the North Maine woods. It was a cold  February week In a cabin far from civilization. 

A peace few understand today!  A calm few ever experience. Oh to look out that window again!